Sonic of the Old West
by SonicLucasFan1138
Summary: Stories about the exploits of Sonic and other characters as they travel throughout the Old West. The hedgehog searches for criminals to claim the bounties on, all in order to survive the ruthless frontiers of the Old West.
1. Prologue

The Old West. A time of relentlessness and lawlessness. The Sun rose up as the roosters crowed and the hens clucked. At the inn, hearing the sounds echo through his ears was enough for the sleeper to get out of bed. "Darn roosters and hens! I'm trying to sleep!" he screeched at them through his window. This stranger went to grab a pack of cigars, but instead found three envelopes. He chose one to open and set down the other two on a table. Inside this envelope, there was a note featuring a timeline of some sorts.

"What is this!? I don't need this junk!" he said, throwing the note aside. To him, it was nothing but scribbles. He took out another envelope from the table to read.

"Oh yeah, this is a list the sheriff gave me before he went nuts." The sleeper took out the last envelope and opened it. A letter and some money was inside:

_Tails,_

_Great work on that last job. We got those criminals locked up. I'm sure they won't cause anymore trouble for the townsfolk, since they're locked up. Pity for them, having to deal with the crazy sheriff. Anyways, here is your share of the money. Once again, great work and thanks for your help._

_-Sonic_

The sleepy inn resident got dressed into his formal clothes before heading out. As he was leaving, there seemed to be ruckus coming from the outside. "I'm checking out, keep the change." the stranger said to the innkeeper. "Salud, hedgehog."

And so it begins...

**Sonic of the Old West: Spaghetti Western Stories by SonicLucasFan1138**

**Check 'em out in the chapter selection:**

**-Fistful of Rings**

**-For a Few Emeralds More**

**-The Good, the Bad, and the Hedgehog**

**Timeline on profile.  
**

**Featuring characters from other video games along with anime ones. Read and review I guess, this is SonicLucasFan1138 signing off!**


	2. Fistful of Rings

Sonic of the Old West: Fistful of Rings

Influenced by the Spaghetti Western "Fistful of Dollars."

Summary: Notorious bounty hunter Sonic the Hedgehog makes a living by tracking down wanted criminals and turning them in, dead or alive. One group of outlaws catches the attention of Sonic the Hedgehog, and they are the San Pepinillo Hermanos. The bounty hunter trusts his instinct that he can trick the San Pepinillo Hermanos to go after another gang. After all, he's the fastest gun alive!

Chapter 1: Sonic "Speedball" Hedgehedge  
Chapter 2: Doctor Robotnik and Fox Eyes  
Chapter 3: Kentucky "Knuckles" Kansas  
Chapter 4: El Cardinel, Fur Trader, and Jerboa  
Chapter 5: San Pepinillo Hermanos

* * *

**Chapter 1: Sonic "Speedball" Hedgehedge**  
A warm day in Toot Toot Town, everything seemed fine. "Everything seemed fine" the barkeeper thought to himself as he served the patrons with their beverages and food. The miners continued their operations, and the hotel seems to be packed according to the innkeeper. Toot Toot Town was named after the courageous Toot Toot warriors who fought here against the vengeful Chaos, landlord of the Water Tribe. The Toot Toot Warriors were skilled in using bows and spears to decimate their enemies, in addition to setting up traps. They even used tactics that seemed unconventional to the more civilised human, such as flinging their feces in order to disorient the enemy. "They utilised this tactic to bring down Chaos, but the evil landlord just slapped them away" said the old coffin maker. "Wow, that landlord sure is evil!" said the eight year old protégé. "Speak of the evil, and he shall appear!" mumbled the coffin maker under his makeshift mask.

The coffin maker spotted the "El Gato" Western European gang of outlaws. Led by the infamous "El Gato," whose of Italian descent, this gang was feared throughout the Old West due to their weaponry. They have access to gatling guns, cannons, lever action rifles, and revolvers. One of the members yelled at the town to "give up their valuables or risk death by the hand of El Gato himself!"

Some of the babies soiled themselves when they heard the warning of the El Gato gang. The townsfolk quickly hid into their respective properties as the El Gato gang were getting closer. The town was completely silent.

"Yall about to be dead when El Gato gets here" said a brawny anthropomorphic feline, who had purple and white fur. The cat was usually armed with a portable gatling gun he named "Froggy," which he left in a stagecoach drawn by two ponies. There were three stagecoaches in total, each led by two ponies. The ponies were odd looking; their appearance resembled something out of a cartoon made for little girls, middle aged creeps, and adolescent creeps. Two deputies decided to step up to the brutish gang. "I'm sick of you darn brownies, get the fuck out of my face!" said Deputy Clebioid. "Or I'll blow your head off with a darn shotgun" said Deputy Hairose to the criminals in slow motion. As courageous as this may seem, the deputies who looked like criminals themselves were shot in the torso by the big man himself, El Gato. An orange cat with black markings walked out of the building across from the now deceased deputies. He had droopy eyes and a wide grin, a face that would put the fear of Eggmen into anyone. "I have come here to release one Jon Arbuckle from the clutches of the corrupt sheriff, along with the riches of this putrid town!" the charismatic vagabond announced. "Who the frick do you think you are?" the sheriff shouted, holding a sawed-off super shotgun.

Sounding like fictional Vitas from Opera #2, he introduced himself. "I'm the conqueror of Italian cuisine! The pudgy yet good looking leader of the El Gato gang! I am Garfield!"

"Wow, your opera skills are amazing master!" said the violet pony.  
"Could use some work..." claimed the rainbow-haired blue pony.  
"Absolutely stunning, Darling!" replied the white pony.  
"Wow that was so great!" yelled the pink pony.  
"Darn partner, that was beautiful!" states the orange-yellow pony.  
"It's good..." mumbled the bright yellow pony.

"Shut the frick up!" shouted the sheriff, who circle strafed around the ponies and shot them one by one with his super shotgun. He is very skilled at reloading it, too. Could reload it in a second.

"Enough is enough!" Garfield exclaimed. "I've had it with these mothratrucking FPS protagonists in this mothratrucking town!"

Garfield shot the old-school FPS protagonist; the hero we don't deserve, but the hero we need.

"Kill all of these swine!" -Garfield

Bubsy the Bobcat torched the barn where the three little pigs lived with his flamethrower, a weapon to surpass pop culture references. "Heehaw, now they're pigs-in-a-blanket now!" Big the Gat, the brawny feline, grabbed his gatling gun "Froggy" and mowed down the ginger-bread men. However, the three little pigs and ginger-bread men were not actual beings; they a decoy projected by someone...

A "notorious" blue hedgehog walked into the town and deactivated the decoy projections created by a device on his arm. El Gato set his sights on the bounty hunter. "You're gonna pay for what you've done, you little, you little...!" The old coffin maker threw a rock at Garfield like a pitcher throwing a baseball and getting a home run. "Bitch!" screamed Garfield as he shot the coffin maker until he died. He turned his attention towards the blue hedgehog. "Take this, you blockhead!" Before Garfield could fire, the blue hedgehog shot the revolver out of his hand. The bounty hunting hedgehog aimed his weapon at Bubsy the Bobcat, shooting the flamethrower pack. Bubsy the Bobcat was burnt to a crisp, and Big the Gat spun up the gatling gun. The hedgehog casually shot Big the Gat twice in the head. "Who are you!?" Garfield demanded to know. The blue hedgehog pulled up his cattleman hat, allowing the orange feline to see his eyes.

"Sonic's my name and speed's my game!" revealed the hedgehog. Sonic, with a single lead ball left in his Colt Navy Model 1851, fired at Garfield. This did not kill the one known as "El Gato," only made him incapacitated. "Put him in jail with the rest!" yelled one of the townsfolk. Criminal Jon Arbuckle began to shed more tears than the Trail of Tears. Sonic believed that Garfield did all this because he got turned into a cuckold, even though that is not the case. Also, little did he know that there were other ruffians who will harass this town multiple times. One of the remaining deputies, later promoted to sheriff, payed Sonic for taking out Bubsy the Bobcat and Big the Gat. "$2,500 for each." He also payed Sonic $5,500 for turning in El Gato.

"Thank you kindly." replied Sonic "Speedball" Hedgehedge, tipping his hat and walking throughout the town. "Might want to get some more money ready..."

* * *

**Chapter 2: Doctor Robotnik and Fox Eyes**  
Sonic had earned a good amount of money as a bounter hunter. He either captured or killed criminals, mostly Albino Snowmen from way up north. Albino Snowmen are snow-dwelling cavemen made of snow, created by Minister Big Bain the Big Brain. Minister Big Bain the Big Brain is a huge waffle who created many of the enemies that We Will encountered. We Will is the philosopher who is best known for the quote "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Suffering leads to masochistic pleasure."

Sonic's appearance consist of a brown poncho, a brown bandana, a yellow chocolate-coated banana that served as his boomerang, and a White cattleman hat. Sonic walked into the saloon, and blurted out the infamous 14 words.

"We must secure the existence of our people, and a future for cattleman hats."

This caused an uproar from the people who didn't wear cattleman hats. A bar fight erupted and Sonic tried to find the wanted fugitive through the high definition violence. "Gotcha, Lyfe!" he exclaimed as he found Lyfe S'tuff, a French Song Thrush bandit. Sonic pulled out his Colt Navy M1851 revolver and shot the bastard. This caused everyone in the bar to run out like sissies (something I would probably do). "Jesus Christ, Sonic!" yelled J.C. the cameraman and tech support, who records from a Lakitu's cloud. "Don't you have principles?"

"I don't have principles, I have tactics." replied Sonic, cool as a cucumber on the outside, but angry and salty as salted fish on the inside. He brought the body of Lyfe S'tuff to the deputy-turned-sheriff and received 2,000 pesos for it. Sonic asked the new sheriff about the original reward; the $2,000 U.S. dollars he was promised. However, the sheriff stopped him, saying "I know you want 2,000 U.S. dollars instead, but a gang of ASSHOLE critters like yourself gone and took the money from us."

Sonic acknowledged the sheriff by nodding his head. "Who are these 'critters' you're rambling about?"

"The San Pepinillos Hermanos; the Saint Pickle Brothers..." the sheriff responded, taking the cigar-shaped candy cane away from his mouth. "I think the bounty posters for them are in this box. I'll go get it for you." The sheriff brought the box over to Sonic, containing posters of the criminals and the rewards for handling them. "Here we are. The criminals you were asking about are these three. El Cardinel, an Irish woodpecker who is the dynamite expert of the gang. Fur Trader, a half German and half Apache Indian polar bear. I'd be careful about going after him if I were you, he packs a nasty punch as the enforcer of the gang. Then we got this mouth breather, Jerboa. As his name implies, he is an Australian Jerboa and expert marksman who was part of the Eureka Rebellion." Sonic acknowledged the suggestions brought forward by the sheriff. "Anything else I should know, sheriff?" The sheriff mentioned that the bounty hunter needed to be on the look out for another gang at war with the San Pepinillos Hermanos (Saint Pickle Brothers), the Pokemon-Meisters. He also promised to give Sonic the original reward when they receive the shipment of U.S. dollars.

As Sonic left the sheriff's office, the lawman called out for the hedgehog. "Hey Speedball, you will need this" he said with a customized Model 1866 lever action rifle. The rifle's metal parts were composed of strange brass that had a deep blue tint to it rather than a yellow one. "Doc Robotnik wanted to give this to you. He calls it the 'Blue Baller.'" Doctor Robotnik was an industrialist and scientist who created many inventions that are considered advanced, contrasting with most of the technology at the time.

"I should start searching for the woodpecker, he seems like the easiest to fight." Sonic thought as he heads toward the mines, not knowing what to expect. Speedball walked into the mine shaft and stepped onto a pressure sensitive trapdoor, seemingly falling to his death from a certain point of view. "Stupid retard!" whispered the only other person at the mine's entrance. "Fell right into my trap." The person began to laugh like the Cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz.

A mysterious stranger from another place began to enter Toot Toot Town. This person had a black cloak and "balaclava" to conceal their identity, like upstanding citizens robbing a convenience store. The individual appeared to be human from a distance, but up close the pointed ears were noticeable even if this person did their best to hide them. The person had two things sticking from behind, with one citizen claiming they looked like two pieces of yellow furry feces (gross!). Riding on a white horse, this person reached the sheriff's office to claim a bounty.

Walking inside, the person removed their "balaclava" which looks more like a bandana and blindfold combo. It is Tails, who goes by the moniker "Fox Eyes" during his bounty hunting occupation. "Hello sheriff!" Tails shrieked in his ear-piercing high pitched voice. "My ears!" the sheriff yelped. Tails forgot to deactivate the voice changer. "Right, sorry about that."

"What did you want, Fox Eyes."

"I'm here to claim the bounty on Minister Big Bain the Big Brain."

"4,000 you get until we receive actual bank notes of use in this town."

"Pesos? What happened to the money that I could actually use in this state?"

"We were robbed by a gang that took our U.S. dollars and left us with Pesos."

"Aw shucks, sorry to hear about that sheriff."

Tails left the sheriff's office and went to the bar, only to find out that the bar is closed because a bounty hunter killed their target. One of the residents said "This whole thing is Sonic's fault..." Tails asked the citizen "Do you know where Sonic went?" The citizen replied with "That ne'er do good bastard went to the mines to claim a bounty." Tails nodded his head, sounding like a cyborg police officer when he spoke. "Okay, thank you for your cooperation." Tails went off to the mines to look for Sonic before he turns into Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Dinner for the hounds. Go forward Tails!

Sonic was in a sticky situation. A literal one, at that. One that could be written about in a Shakespearean tragedy (if mentioning Shakespeare is allowed). "Sonic, prepareth yourself. F'r i shalt taketh thy wage, food, wat'r, and life!" the mysterious figure threatened. "Nay! Thee shouldst not killeth me f'r mine own livings! Wouldst thee harmeth a bird feeding t's offspring? Is the bird not allowed to feedeth those folk? What is thy meaning of life?" This made the shadowy figure angrier.

"Life? Mine own meaning is yond an 'range gib shouldst not has't taken the liveth of the town i wast b'rn in. F'r i am the issue of a bird!"

"Then joineth me on mine own quest to stand ho the beast who is't committ'd such a thing-a-ling"

"Nay, hedgehog!"

The figure dropped down to reveal himself as El Cardinel, who revealed that he brought his posse of bandits along. "Why have you come here hedgehog? To claim the bounty on my head?"

"Not quite. I have information about a witness you might want to get rid of. One who could snitch on your gang to the Pokemon-Meisters..."

"Go on, I'm listening."

The hedgehog showed him a map of where the witness will meet the Pokemon-Meisters.

"Okay, it is that town. Too bad for you lad, as my guards will have to keep you in the jailhouse until we can figure out how to take care of this witness. Take him away boys!"

The banditos hesitated. They used their extra clothing accessories, such as their bandanas and vests, as makeshift gloves. They handled Sonic like a person wearing a hazmat suit handles hazardous material.

* * *

**Chapter 3: Kentucky "Knuckles" Kansas**  
The bandits led Sonic to a brothel-turned-prison camp. "This is where you will stay for the night." He found himself inside a room with a large bed, shelving, chairs, tables, and a bathroom. Sonic did not feel like his normal, cool and calculating self. He felt more like Coo-Coo Sonic Warrior, losing his patience with the bandits. Before he could go into a fit of rage, he heard a sexy female voice whispering to him from the next room.

"Hey you. Bounty hunter."

"What the-"

"Get over here. Quick!"

"How am I supposed to get over there? We're in two different rooms with no way for me to enter yours."

"Not for long. Just walk over here so I can tell you something. Something that may benefit us both. I might even throw in something extra!" answered the female voice, grabbing the attention of Sonic.

"Uh, Okay."

"Alright, here's my plan on getting out of our holding rooms. I'll get my friend here to knock down a portion of this wall so we can enter your room. I've heard that a secret exit lies within your room, one that leads us straight outside."

Sonic agreed to this plan. The person in the other cell might be insane, but it was better than staying in this room with the semen stains everywhere.

"Okay. Here goes nothing."

A red echidna smashed through the fricking wall. The anthropomorphic echidna had spines that looked like dreadlocks. His clothing consisted of an Egg Confederation uniform, worn by their army during the Civil War. His accent shifted between deep southern and Jamaican.

"Ay mon, you want some Jumbo Juice?" asked the intimidating echidna in his Jamaican accent to Sonic.

"No thanks."

The echidna swapped to his generic Southern accent. "Suit yerself. My name's Knuckles, yet most of yer folk call me 'Kentucky Kansas' for some reason. Nice to meet thou."

"Oh no, not the Shakespearean dialogue again..." Sonic thought to himself. "My name is Sonic 'Speedball' Hedgehedge. I think I've seen you somewhere before..."

"Thanks for helping us, bounty hunter."

Sonic turned to find something that made him shocked. He stood there frozen with Jumbo Juice dripping from his mouth. The lady he "helped" earlier had blonde hair, blue eyes, and clothing complete with spectacles that made her look like a sexy office secretary. The suit she wore allowed Sonic to gaze at her cleavage. "So who are you anyway? And where is the little something extra you were supposed to reward me? Are you going to give it to me right now?"

"Well, I'm Darkness from the Florists. You may have heard about our gang, bounty hunter. We can experience your reward later, although this room does fit the mood."

"Wait a second! You're that crazy crusader bitch!" Sonic sayz.

"What-"

"Yeah, I recognize you. You're gang has that runt who scammed me of my $2,000 a while ago. Wait... he wasn't even a real deputy?"

"That would be Satou Kazuma. No, he isn't a real lawman."

"No good charlatan he is!" Sonic shouted.

Random Bandit: "Enough! You thinking about escaping? I'll kill you three!"

* * *

**Chapter 4: El Cardinel, Fur Trader, and Jerboa**  
"Not today, butthole!" Sonic exclaimed frustratingly while fist fighting the bandit. "Ay mon, vi can settle our differences laytear!" said the optimistic echidna Knuckles to the guards before punching them out. He began the process of chewing and spitting on the ears similar to the famous lawman Dwight Bison, who you do NOT want mess with. The bounty hunter, former Confederate trooper, and crusader began to leave the abandoned brothel, as in abandoned for its previous purpose. More banditos began to arrive on horseback, shooting at the trio.

"Get down, hoes mad, hoes mad."

"Knux, you're just making them more aggravated."

"Sorry, Coo-Coo Sonic Warrior."

Sonic let out a battle cry that would rival that of the Native American tribes and the rebellious South. He rushed towards the posse of bandits and gave them all a Dwight Bison uppercut. The bandits were so messed up, that they now contracted Traumatic Brain Injury. He plowed through the enemy reinforcements comparable to how Popeye eats spininch in one gulp. It was night time, so Sonic looked up at the ̶W̶h̶i̶t̶e̶ bright light; the full moon. In this moment, at this hour, Sonic began to transform. He sounded like someone constipated from eating Taco Bell.

"Don't try this at home!" he murmered to someone.

That someone was a child from the village of Aqua Caliente, a village across the border from the state of Animexas. The child looked scared shitless and ran as fast as she could. "Heh, that child looked like they want running from ̶b̶o̶r̶d̶e̶r̶ ̶p̶a̶t̶r̶o̶l̶ the law!" said Knuckles, being the only one who laughed at his joke. Sonic transformed into a werehog, with big meaty claws that are furry.

Sonic let out a yell that rivaled the battle cry of the Super Saiyans from Dragon Ball Z. The battle cry was so loud that all the buffalo nearby killed themselves to avoid the deafening war scream. While he is more powerful, this form makes Sonic more noticeable. Sonic began to run alongside a pack of wolves. Flames began to appear behind the feet of Sonic since he was running so fast, accidently murdering the poor wolves.

Meanwhile, El Cardinel returned to the brothel to check on his prisoners. What he found though, were empty rooms that had sex stains all over. More than before in fact, it seemed like one of the prisoners is responsible for that. El Cardinel found out about this by sniffing the new sex stains. "Hmm. Taste like Darkness. I remember this taste from licking her pusst." El Cardinel was able to pinpoint their exact location using his excellente forensic skills; they were heading back to Toot Toot Town.

**[Smut Time, Uh Okay]**

The group decided to settle down for a while. Sonic asked Darkness about his reward. "What is it? Money? Clothes? Can of baked beans?"

The lustful crusader who looked like an office secretary pulled him closer, horny as heck. "What do you think?"

"I think a can of baked beans..." Sonic whispered.

Darkness the crusader whooped in ecstasy while sounding like she was on ecstasy "No, didn't you get the hint!? We are going to fuck! We have to be quick though!"

"Uh, okay."

The two of them went somewhere private while Knuckles smoked an opium cigar. Darkness tore off her clothing and Sonic kept thinking about baked beans in his werehog form.

"Oh fuck me harder Sonic! Fuck me like a wild beast!" Darkness moaned while getting her pussu smashed by Sonic.

_"Holy Emeralds, this feels so good! I'm about to burst!" Sonic grunted like a wild beast._

**[Smut Over]**

Knuckles looked at the viewer and yelled out "Daayyyyuuuummmm!" while making a duck face. He looked like a rainbow hallucination during a bad acid trip. Those two finished up their business, and Knuckles caught up with them. Darkness had her black, white, and yellow crusader armour on. Soknux managed to reach the town with Darkness just before the rising son. The crusader checked in at the hotel. "Good morning, Soknux." said the rising son. "How do you do?" asked both Sonic and Knuckles gentlemanly. "I was okay." responded the sunny. "Glad to hear that, sloppy cocky!" Soknux said like a fraternity jock. Soknux went to see the Doctor named Robotnik.

"Well, if isn't Speedball and Kentucky Kansas!" the Doctor exclaimed in a Jewish accent. Robotnik's appearance consisted of a black long sleeve shirt, Black robes, an old school mocha lab coat, and a red kippah stacked on top of a White derby cowboy hat. He wanted to warn them about the imminent trouble that they would face but it was too late. Fur Trader popped out from the wardrobe and put Sonic in a headlock. "I'm sorry Sonic, they made it here before y'all did..." Robotnik said, trying to imitate a Southern accent. "Robotnik, what are they going to do to us?" asked the struggling hedgehog gasping for air. "They're going to hang you. Once again, I'm sorry. I said I'm sorry, okay!?"

At dusk, Fur Trader tied the noose around Sonic's neck. "It's time for you to rot, bounty hunter!" screeched El Cardinel, chuckling like a hyena choking on some chicken wings. "It's time for you stop being a bitch!" Sonic counterargued. Fur Trader did not like debates, especially if they're political, so he punched Sonic in the ribs. Not the ribs that most people are thinking of when they're hungry, coated in barbecue sauce and usually tender. Nope, it's the ribs found in anatomy, not Porky Pig's anatomy mind you. Sonic had some beef with the San Pepinillos Hermanos; the verbal insults kind of beef. "I'm going to enjoy watching you become rabbit food" Jerboa jested. "But I'm not a rabbit!" Sonic moaned like a horny teen, thinking about Darkness and her breasts. Too bad, Sonic would be great as cooked rabbit, served with some baked beans and bread. All of this talk about BBQ would be ruined by Vegeta the Vegetarian. Vegeta was said to be the most powerful Super Saiyan who possessed the most powerful super shotgun. "Vegeta!" Jerboa screamed. "I will not let you ruin this moment!"

"Too bad, I'm going to help this poor critter and there's nothing you could do about it, murderers for meat!" Vegeta counterargued. Fur Trader became annoyed by all this argument nonsense, so he pulled out his revolver and shot Vegeta in the head. "Finally, I can get revenge on Sonic!" the jerboa said as he praised the landlord Chaos. The trapdoor beneath Sonic opened, and the hedgehog began to choke.

Fox Eyes went to look for Speedball in the mines. However, unlike his blue friend, he did not fall for the trap thanks to the misfortune of what happend to Speedball at that spot. Fox Eyes began to call out for Speedball. No response. Fox Eyes began walking forward until he hit his head on a waterfall. The fox searched behind the waterfall to see if his friend was there, but all he found was a treasure chest full of gold.

"Cool, but I have to find Son- I mean Speedball before he gets himself killed by those crazy bandits."

Fox Eyes began to sit down near the waterfall's base and began to drank out of his canteen filled with whiskey, rum, gummy bears, and piss. Fox Eyes liked the last ingredient the most; the taste of it could be compared to modern time's corporate lager. "Ah, taste like British cuisine" Fox Eyes whispered to himself like an arrogant, sarcastic food critic.

Fox Eyes continued through the mines, finding a lantern on top of a crate. "I don't know if I should take the lantern, it could be a trap." Fox Eyes stared at the lantern for a minute, before saying "frick that shiznit" like a suburban kid trying to be ghetto. However, something caught the glimpse of his sight. There was a map conveniently placed there that leads to where Sonic was kept prisoner: the abandoned Brothel. Tails began to grin, and yelled "I'm going to become a brothel owner! That way, I could get money and retire the bounty hunter business." Tails shouldn't have yelled about his future opportunity, because hiding in the corner, behind a stone, was a red echidna who would not let the fox do this to himself.

"Tails!" shouted Knuckles like a homeless person happy to see an old friend from their childhood. "Brudda I don't tink you should have such bumbaclot thoughts on your mind."

Tails: "What do you mean?"

Knuckles: "You must remember Sonic! He is in big doodoo!"

Tails: "Where is he?"

Knuckles: "In deep shit. He's in Toot Toot Town about to be hanged."

Tails: "How can we get their quickly?"

Knuckles: "Letsa take dis stagewagon with horses."

The duo hopped into the stagecoach. Knuckles spanked the horses' asses to make them sprint at Sonic speed so they could rescue their friend of the same name as the speed level. Unfortunately, the banditos were following them, so Fox Eyes held them off with his coach gun. "Every lady's crazy when her daddy's not around! Dun Nuh na na na na nuh!" Tails sang. Knuckles sang along with the verse "Gotta reach for the top, stay on the mountain! Dun nah na na na na!" While Tails is able to hit the banditos on horseback, it was harder to shoot at the ones on 19th century skateboards. "Here, throw dis dynamite at them" Knuckles suggested. Tails began to throw bundles of dynamite at the skateboard users, who turned out to be ordinary villagers and not banditos. The villagers began cursing in Spanish, trying to run away from the dynamite before it explodes. "Well, at least they will stop following us now!" said the anxious fox, who smoked a cigar to keep his nerves calm at the act of violence he just committed towards civilians.

"Ay mon, don't worry since every little thing will be alright." Knuckles said to his friend while smiling nervously. Every little thing was not alright, since the sheriff of Aqua Caliente was right on their asses. Both Tails and Knuckles shouted "oh no, the sheriff!" The sheriff of Aqua Caliente was especially scary because he looked like a bald caveman wearing cowboy clothing. There was one stick of dynamite left, which Tails lit up and threw at the caveman in slow motion.

Before Sonic could lose anymore air, Robotnik shot the rope above him. With Sonic free, Jerboa won't have his revenge on the cool blue hedgehog for whatever reason. Sonic, cool as an ice cube, began to negotiate with Jerboa's gang. "If you guys help me bring down the incoming Pokemon-Meisters, I can pay you guys in gold!" reasoned the anthropomorphic hedgehog. Fur Trader was about to kick Sonic's ass again but Jerboa stopped him. "Okay, but you better not double cross us this time!" retorted Jerboa. "I wouldn't do that to you gentlemen, who are my friends." Bean the Dynamite, known as El Cardinel, nodded his head begrudgingly. Bark "Fur Trader" the Polar Bear felt as he had no choice but to agree to Sonic's terms of service. Fang the Sniper, who is referred to by his species, agreed. Little did they know that Sonic would backstab them again, trying to play both sides.

"Here's your rifle, Sonic."

"Thanks, buddy!" the hedgehog replied in a condescending way.

Sonic fired his Blue Baller at Chaos, but the weasel filled it with bullet casings.

"Hey Fang, you gave me blanks!"

Fang did not trust Sonic with actual ammo; the two-bit bitch betrayed the gang before. Fang used his Civil War break action sniper rifle named "Love-Croftian" against the hordes of Pokemon alongside his Rem-Ram New Model Army named "Drake-Ownian." Both of those weapons were named after treasure hunters. Bark the Polar Bear utilized a portable cannon by Serious Industries against them while Bean the Dynamite threw dynamite. Amy Rose, the hedgehog thief, used her derringer. Cream the Rabbit, bandit who survived the wrath of former Egg Union officer Elmer Fudd, used a Mare's Leg rifle. Tails blasted the Pokemon with his coach gun. Knuckles shot at the Pokemon-Meisters with his entire arsenal of revolvers, shotguns, and rifles. Finally, all of them were brought down. While everyone was fighting, Sonic found ammo for his rifle and when he finished reloading, shot Bean the Dynamite, Bark the Polar Bear, and Fang the Sniper from a distance. Everyone else was to busy to notice.

"Great job guys! Too bad the Pokemon-Meisters whacked the trio here."

The leaders of the San Pepinillo Hermanos were put into coffins and sent into the cave cemetery. More good news came along as the town received the shipment of U.S. bank notes. Now the town could use the Pesos as toilet paper after they take a shit. Sonic and Tails got the proper rewards for the bounties they claimed and Knuckles made an apology to the former.

"No hard feelings, right?"

"No way Knuckles, everything is okay between us. I had everything under control!"

Tails mentioned the gold to Sonic and Knuckles, telling them it is behind the waterfall in the mines. The trio decide to go back to the mines, not having to worry about traps set by those pickle heads. "Woohoo, we're rich!" they yelled. The coffin maker opened the coffin that contained Fang the Sniper. He tried to wake up the bandit by splashing water on his face. The coffin maker did not do this because he is insane. It was rather because the coffin maker is secretly working with the San Pepinillo Hermanos, since the coffin maker is Garfield in disguise! "Wake up, Jerboa! We're going to kill Sonic Hedgehedge once and for all!"

"Ah yeah, I can't wait to blow all this money!" said Sonic.

"On prostitutes, right?" Tails responded.

"Hecks yeah!" shouted Knuckles.

The three traveled by horse through the state of Animexas. However, Robotnik stopped them. Since he helped Sonic out of that predicament, the hedgehog felt indebted to the doctor. "What's up, Robotnik?"

"If you folks are going to Rio de Meido, then you can use my new inventions of transportation!" answered Robotnik.

Robohorses! These new inventions are as their name suggests. Mechanical forms of transportation that have an appearance based on the real animal. These steam-powered mules will be of much use on the trio of bounty hunters' journey to get some sax. They traveled to Rio de Meido, Animexas, on their new forms of transportation.

Garfield gave Fang the Sniper an experimental body armor made by Robotnik, which looked like a knight's chestplate. "I'd much rather have a Lightweight Ballistic Vest from Egg Industries!" Jerboa complained.

Garfield gave him a thousand-yard stare. Fang the Sniper felt uncomfortable, so he said no more and left the cave, heading to Toot Toot Town.

* * *

**Chapter 5: San Pepinillo Hermanos**  
As Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles got back from Rio de Meido, the condition of Toot Toot Town put the shock of Static Shock into them. "What happened to this place?" Tails murmured. Knuckles looked around and noticed that these were to works on the San Pepinillo Hermanos. Either they have a new leader, a leader that did not get killed, or one of their leaders survived. When they moved north, where the sheriff's office is, the trio was met by Garfield, Jerboa, the rest of the San Pepinillo Hermanos, and some El Gato gang members. The San Pepinillo Hermanos consists of cloned Gex the Gecko cowboys and other anthropomorphic reptiles who had Spanish and Portuguese accents.

"Garfield."

"Sonic."

The two enemies stared into each other souls. Sonic knew that he, Tails, and Knuckles were outnumbered. They could not win against El Gato and his posse. Sonic reached towards the back of his holster, where he kept the banana boomerang. Keeping it within his grip, but concealed to bandits, he had a plan to eliminate most of the enemies. Garfield and Sonic stared at each other for two minutes, with the hedgehog twirling the banana in his hand, ready to toss it at the water tower on the bathhouse roof.

"Draw!" shouted El Gato

Sonic tossed his banana at the water tower, causing it to fall over the San Pepinillo Hermanos and El Gato gang members. Tails and Knuckles pulled out their revolvers and shot at all the enemies, except El Gato and Jerboa. The bullets had no effect on Jerboa's armor, so the weasel shot Knuckles and Tails with his excellente marksmanship. Sonic became a sour grape, metaphorically speaking. He challenged Jerboa to reload his rifle faster than Sonic could toss the banana boomerang. While Jerboa was reloading, Sonic threw his boomerang at him and shot him afterwards. The blue hedgehog looked for El Gato, who was nowhere to be found. Garfield was actually in the same building that he used to snipe the two deputies from before. This time, he is going to snipe Sonic in the back of the head.

However, Sonic is not going to be taken out today. Elmer Fudd countersniped the Italian cuisine conqueror who happens to be a cat, causing Garfield to fall from the building. Sonic was so angry that he picked up Garfield and kicked him like a football or soccer ball. As Sonic walked up to him, the dying comical lasagna-eating cat taunted the hedgehog one last time.

"You will never find my secret treasure, you dumb hedgehog!"

"Well, cat's out the bag. Tails found your treasure!"

"Im-impossible. That's not true. That's impossible!" -Garfield

"Search your feelings, you know it be true!" -Sonic the Hedgehog

Garfield let out a groan that makes it seem like he has bad gas. Sonic headed back to Toot Toot Town, with the Blue Baller strapped to his back.

"It seems my work in this town is done."

Sonic claimed the bounties on El Gato, Jerboa, Fur Trader, El Cardinel, and the bodies of their posse. The hedgehog bounty hunter left the town, only to turn around one last time to find out his friends were actually alive. They too have been wearing body armor hidden under their clothing. Sonic smiled and continued to head back for Rio de Meido. After all, he had enough money to buy a fistful of rings. Even better, Darkness was waiting for him in the stagecoach. "Ah yeah, hail to the king baby!" Sonic shouted.


	3. For a Few Emeralds More

Sonic of the Old West: For a Few Emeralds More

Influenced by the Spaghetti Western "For a Few Dollars More."

Summary: In the highly technological state of Animexas, Sonic the Hedgehog tracks down the Chaotix gang. They are one of the twelve largest gangs in the Old West. He plans to find out what those ne'er-do-well outlaws are up to in an attempt to finish them off once and for all. In addition, other well known characters from different franchises show up. A new exciting adventure for the blue blur!

Chapter 6: Animexas  
Chapter 7: Rio de Meido  
Chapter 8: Bank of El Paso  
Chapter 9: Fort Chao  
Chapter 10: One Rich Hedgehog

* * *

**Chapter 6: Animexas**  
Animexas, a large state within the Old West that could be considered a country of its own, has some of the most advanced technology seen in the era after the Civil War. After the Egg Confederation's defeat by the Egg Union, the latter faction brought back most of states belonging to the former. Animexas was originally composed of the modern day states of Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Utah, California, Oregon, and Washington. The states currently known as Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, and Idaho became part of the larger Animexas. The state of Animexas was founded by two different parties. One group were Japanese and Korean time travelers, who brought advanced technology from the 20th century with them. The other group, were post-Soviet Eurasian time travelers who brought back 21st century technology. The two groups created a treaty that led to the founding of Animexas.

Some of this technology included making characters from video games and anime come to life in the Old West, appearing exactly like they do from the video games and anime. That means they don't have hyper realistic features that would scare people. Animexas became a gaming and anime paradise for people, even though nobody in the 19th century knew any of those things. The people from the future began to send more people back in time to the Old West to work on their new state. These new time travelers were Swiss bankers, Chinese corporate executives, German scientists, Jewish merchants, African royalty with their miners, and various Eastern European industrialists. Using their respective trades, they created a state that would rival the United States. Their cities combined elements of steampunk, cyberpunk, biopunk, tribalpunk, smooth jazzpunk from 1920 to 1931, and westernpunk. Throughout the Reconstruction Era, even more time travelers arrived to Animexas. They were experts in creating military equipment and airships during the First World War, providing their expertise to the cause.

One of the most impressive features of Animexas were the cities built. The cities had different climates to accommodate the various species of fictional-turned-real anime and video game characters. The city of Rio de Meido was located in what is now Albuquerque, New Mexico. The city itself had elements that would remind one of a steampunk New York City combined with a cyberpunk Tokyo and a generic Old West town. Vegetation grew around the outskirts, created by the Latin European botanists and florists. The Pecos River is improved with a filter to create clean, drinkable water for the population and is heavily guarded by machines.

The primary economic organization of Animexas combined elements of a market economy and a planned economy. Secondary economic organization resembled proto-Communist Marxism mixed with Laissez-faire Capitalism. The second one was used in times of war. Speaking of times in war, a proto-Fascist state government was used. Regional governments derived their power from the large state government. It is unknown how Animexas got away with having these controversial economic and political systems because if this was the 1950's, they would get their ass handled to them. That is, if they didn't have the advanced technology available to them. The governor of Animexas is Nile Gonarch, with his political positions being fiscally liberal and socially awkward. He won the state election after killing his opponents from the other political parties through a Mexican standoff. He killed the Mexican candidate too, with no hard feelings towards any of his opponents. He just had to win, that's all. "It was just business." he thought to himself.

The industries thrived with multiple opportunities and resources. They have begun developments in nuclear and solar energy research, yet steam-powered and diesel-powered were the best method of transportation. Cars were not available, since they can't send workers of the motor industry back in time because they all left that shithole in the Midwest (no offense). However, there were nightclubs that played trance music, chillwave, new disco, and new funk.

The United States began to notice the technological advancement of Animexas. Tensions ran between the two, and the U.S. government was going to have none of that degeneracy brought by the state of Animexas. Enough was enough; a strike team created by General "Price" Grant, Brigadier General "Soap" Harrison, Major General "Ghost" Garfield, Major "Gaz" Hayes, and Captain "Roach" McKinley was sent on a special operations mission to take out a shipyard used by Animexas. The mission was a success, and the U.S. Navy began to engage the private navy of Animexas. They were no match, since the private navy of Animexas had superior weaponry and a dreadnought known as the "Blue Eyes White Dragon."

However, a brilliant inventor came along to even the odds of the Second American Civil War. The inventor is Doctor Robotnik, who created an entire army of robots and provided a limited amount of cloned anthropomorphic hedgehogs to battle the military of Animexas. The strike team mentioned earlier managed to obliterate the video game and anime creating machine, preventing any more nonsense from the 20th and 21st centuries. The future of the world began to look brighter or darker; it was a glass half full or half empty kind of situation. Unfortunately, Doctor Robotnik was double crossed by his allies, as they left him against the incoming regiments of pissed off video game characters belonging to Japanese video game publishers. He managed to escape, but the inventor turned mad with rage and power. He used the alias E.G.G. Mann as a front, and the Egg Confederation was brought back once again. In addition, he included the remnants of the Egg Union from the First American Civil War to bolster the military forces. The Second American Civil War became a threesome battle between the United States, Animexas, and the Egg Confederation.

As for the rest of the world, they were at war with the military forces of Animexas that went rogue and attempted to conquer all of the planets in the solar system. They were unsuccessful at this task, so they are stuck on Earth.

* * *

**Chapter 7: Rio de Meido**  
WANTED: Turko

The poster laid there on the ground, until a mysterious figure picked it up. A train to Rio de Meido began to stop at a station the mysterious figure was heading to. The stranger took his seat on the train, across from the busty Yunyun and her friend Megumin, who was more perky. The stranger's face was concealed with a bandana and a mask, like the one worn by the Lone Ranger. Their hat was a Gambler-styled one, and an eyepatch covered their right eye. This mysterious person began to read a newspaper detailing the massacres committed by Turko, the criminal on the poster. Turko killed some civilians in Toot Toot Town with his two golden derringers and a silver Mare's Leg rifle. He was last seen with his band of Ottoman Turks exporting coffee and tea at the docks of Argente Bay, near the Gulf of Mexico. This seemed confusing to the stranger, who had no leads on how Turko and his men managed to reach the bay. The stranger began to wonder if the Turks are even alive.

The two women began to ask the stranger what he was up to. The man simply remained silent, with the newspaper blocking his face.

"Attention passengers, our next stop will be at Rio de Meido. We Will arrive in-"

Gunshots were heard coming from outside, and the sounds of hooves were getting closer. Everyone, except for the masked man, were panicking. This was no disco. The train began to immediately halt as the emergency brakes were activated. Finally, a gang of outlaws pulled up, intending to rob the train. The masked man continued to read the newspaper, finding out the details concerning Turko's appearance according to witnesses. The train robbers began to threaten the passengers.

"Everyone get in the back!"

"And give up your money!"

"We don't have all day here, so pay up or die!"

"You're right, we don't have all day here. I'll speed things up by getting rid of you three roughnecks."

The masked man got up and reached for his revolver, even with the outlaws pointing their weapons towards him. However, he threw his knives at the three outlaws before power sliding and finishing them off with the revolver. The masked man began to examine the bodies. These outlaws seem to be members of the Gatos. The masked man removed the bodies from the train and placed them onto a wagon pulled by his horse. One of the train's crew member asked who the stranger was. The stranger told him "someone trying to make a living," while avoiding the reveal of his Italian accent. The bounty hunter got on the wagon and directed the horse towards Rio de Meido. The rest of the passengers left the train at the Rio de Meido station.

The roads were made of chiseled stone and the signs were not active since it was day. The stranger made a stop at the bounty office to collect the reward on the three outlaws, each one worth $500. He stayed at the hotel across the bounty office. As he checked in, a bulletin caught his attention. The last known location of Turko was at this city. According to the date, this information was published after the article he read in the newspaper. Keeping this in mind, he went upstairs to settle in his room. He set his black coat and gambler cowboy hat on the rack and went to open his window. The bounty hunter began to scout the area with a monocular, finding someone familiar.

"That blue hedgehog again, of all places."

Sonic, with a handful of money and a fistful of rings, went to the saloon and stayed there for the day. He sold the rings for twice the amount he bought them at and checked in. The hedgehog unpacked his luggage in the room and was about to get some sleep until he heard a knock on his door. When he opened the door, two maids greeted him. They are Rem and Ram, who offered Sonic cabaret styled services. Bringing him a bottle of champagne, the hedgehog enjoyed the night with the two maids.

At night, the Italian bounty hunter prepared to look for Turko. He packed his Colt Dragoon revolver, the "Fire Flower," and headed out of the hotel. The mustached man walked towards the saloon that Sonic is in and searched for any signs of Turko being there. Coincidentally, a drunk Turk stumbled throughout the bar, yelling "This is bullshit!" to the barkeeper. "We're trying to have a civil discussion!" He grabbed the Turk by the collar and demanded the location of Turko. The Drunk Turk tried to deny knowing about anyone named Turko, but the Italian bounty hunter has seen this wretch traveling alongside the outlaw. Once again demanding Turko's location, he was met by the Drunk Turk blurting out "It's bullshit, it's bullshit!" to the patrons. He finally spoke about the location when offered $20, saying that Turko was at the Apache Casino. The bounty hunter brought Drunk Turk outside of the saloon and threw him on the ground, and the rest of the cake too. He took back the $20 from the Turk. "You'll pay for this, Big Haus!" screamed the Turk. Big Haus proceeded to the Apache Casino, where he might find Turko if the information that drunk gave is true.

**[Smut Time, Heads Up]**

Sonic rested on the bed with his arms behind his head, as the two maids began to undress themselves. The two succubi began to slide the hedgehog's pants down to the groin level. They began to stroke his luggage with their hands. "What do you have in here?" the maids asked sexily. Sonic replied "Oh, just some clothes. That's all." The two maids began to stroke Sonic's manhood slowly at first. The hedgehog groaned "Oh yeah, that's the stuff! A little faster. Gotta go fast!" They had a better idea. The maids decided to suck on Sonic's manhood, causing him to moan slightly. _"Ohhhhhhhhh!"_

**[Smut End]**

Big Haus arrived at the Apache Casino, asking the receptionist if they have seen someone with the appearance of Turko. The receptionist's eyes were directed to the second floor, giving him a hint on where Turko is without having to say it aloud. "Much obliged." Big Haus heard one of the cooks in the back yelling about an order. "Hey, someone bring this bratwurst to the guests!" He decided to volunteer in an attempt to get closer to the room Turko is in. "Thanks, one-eye!" Big Haus went up stairs while carrying the bratwurst on a silver platter, being very careful with it (like someone from the post office handling fragile items). He went to the room of the guests who ordered the sausage and knocked on the door, only to be met by two anime broads wearing only their undergarments.

"Who ordered a large... sausage."

The bounty hunter was met by a shocked Ottoman Toad who tried to warn Turko. Big Haus shot him and the rest of the outlaws taking cover. He collected the money from a poker game the Turkish Toads were having before looking out of the balcony. Turko, a Toad with a brown mushroom head that had five yellow dots and an orange vest, was running across the road. Big Haus, standing at the balcony, aimed at Turko with a Sharps rifle and fired at his leg. The Toad stumbled and fell to the ground, crippled by the Sharps rifle. "Pardon me, ladies. Here's some money for the trouble." Big Haus then left the Apache Casino and walked towards Turko, finishing off the Toad with his "Fire Flower" revolver. The bounty hunter then brought the body to the sheriff's office to claim the bounty. "Well Big Haus, I admit it. You are the toughest S.O.B. in this city, taking down Turko. This roach won't be a problem anymore. Here is your $5,500 as promised." Big Haus tucked the money into his coat's internal pocket and went to see another person for his payment. Big Haus isn't who he seems to be, as the actual one payed him to take down Turko while disguised. "Well Mario, you get payed $3,000 and I gain more notoriety. I'd say that is a win for both of us."

**[Smut Time, Again]**

Back to Sonic. "Holy Emeralds, this feels so good!" he spurted while the two maids slid their buttocks between his 12-inch manhood. Moving faster and faster while bouncing up and down, up and down. "Oh my Emeralds, I'm about to burst!" said the hedgehog. Sonic began to shoot his creamy cream all over the buttocks of Rem and Ram. "Oh, we're not finnish yet!" Sonic teased. The hedgehog grabbed a bottle of Viagra and took some of the blue quadrilateral pills. "Now you ladies will know why I'm the fastest thing in the West!" Both of the maids began to slide their tight caverns around the hedgehog, making ahe gao faces. Their tongues began to hang out and they were hot and sweaty. Sonic began to squeeze their breasts. "Oh yeah, these are some nice cupheads!"

**[Smut End]**

The night was starting to become midnight. As the maids began to clean themselves, someone knocked on the door. Sonic finished dressing himself and went to open the door. "Go ahead and clean up in the bathroom, ladies." He opened the door and found Mario, who told him that he had a different kind of sausage for Sonic. Mario pulled out a Colt Walker called the "Really Big Sausage" and pointed the weapon at Sonic. "Tomorrow, there will be a shootout between the Chaotix and the Desperadoes. You will provide covering fire for the Chaotix, gaining their trust."

"What makes you think that will work, mustache?" retorted Sonic.

"They give their trust easily to those with impressive aim. Those that help them at least." Mario left the room, but not before he noticed the maids were in the bathroom. "Pardon me, ladies."

"That darn mushroom head! Who sent him here?" Sonic thought before getting some sleep.

* * *

**Chapter 8: Bank of El Paso**  
Sonic woke up the next morning and did a "Triple S" rank. A Triple S is an abbreviation for "Shit, Shower, and Shave." After he finished, he went outside only to find a bunch of steampunk criminals: the Anglo-Saxon Desperadoes. They were at war with another gang: the cyberpunk Chaotix gang. Primarily composed of Western European, Eastern Asian, and Southern (Yee-haw!) Asian members, their gang attire seemed futuristic compared to the common clothing of Rio de Meido. This batch was led by three lieutenants: Techno Crock, Chamel Leon, and Bumblebee. The Chaotix used horses, but less so compared to other gangs. Their main transportation were autonomous wagons that resembled box trucks, with wheels controlled by artificial intelligence.

"What's going on here?" Sonic thought, completely oblivious to the crossfire between the two gangs. The crocodile Techno Crock had a light machine gun constructed from scrap, an M249 machine gun, and the parts of a Winchester Model 1873 lever action rifle. This turquoise monstrosity of a weapon was named "Kawaii Miku" after the Goddess of Singing in Japanese culture, Hatsune Miku. The horned chameleon Chamel Leon used kunais, a pink burst fire pistol called "Ryuko Matoi" after his deceased lover, and kung fu moves he learned from the Dojima Dragon Clan of Yakuza-looking Monks. Bumblebee used a modified M202 rocket launcher that shot poisonous rockets; this weapon is named "The Hive." As for their ancestry, Techno Crock was of Croatian, Serbian, Greek, Romanian, Ukrainian, and Russian descent. Chamel Leon was of Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Taiwanese, Vietnamese, Laotian, Cambodian, Thai, Mongolian, Filipino, Indonesian, and Singaporean descent. Bumblebee was of Egyptian, Indian, Pakistani, Persian, Ottoman, Babylonian, Afghani, and Bangladeshi Cowboy descent. More reinforcements for both sides arrived. Two more lieutenants of the Chaotix have provided support to the main attack force. One of them was Armordillo, a mighty ARMAdillo of combat skilled with a crimson coloured crossbow designed to launch incendiary arrows. He called this crossbow "Tenderizer" because it would decrease the enemy's defense by two. Armordillo was of Powhatan, Apache, Iswa, Cherokee, and Cheyenne descent. The other lieutenant was Raycorn, an anthropomorphic flying squirrel. Raycorn was armed with dual Model 1928 submachine guns called "Bambi" and "Wide" along with four pocket pistols named after Pac-Man's rivals; Blinky, Inky, Pinky, and Clyde. The colors of the pocket pistols matched each rival. Raycorn was of Scottish, Welsh, Irish, French, Spanish, Portugeese, Belgian, and Italian descent. None of the lieutenants knew anything about their ancestors' cultures though. Sonic had finally found his target: the Chaotix. Sonic spoke with Shadow about a list of targets that a client requested to be taken out; this gang was the one he had to infiltrate.

**[Flashback Begins]**

As Sonic woke up after being knocked out of his stagecoach, he walked out of the Toot Toot Town outskirts and headed towards Rio de Meido. A hedgehog dressed in black clothing caught his attention after shooting the cattleman hat Sonic wore. This mysterious hedgehog wore a black pinched-front cowboy hat, and was carrying a modified Henry rifle engraved with the words "Black Arms .44 Rimfire" on the left side of its receiver. The words are in white, contrasting with the metallic black receiver, redwood stock, and crimson coloured barrel of this rifle.

"Hey Deutschbag! Watch where you're shooting!" Sonic moaned.

"You're attention is in my hand..."

The hedgehog revealed himself as Shadow the Gunslinger, a deadly mercenary hired by the Egg Union and Egg Confederation during the First American Civil War. "Oh no, not you!" exclaimed Sonic. "Why do you have to bother me when I'm going to celebrate my victory at Boomtown?"

Shadow nodded. "Change of plans, Sonic. I have a list describing targets you were assigned. From the Egg Union and Egg Confederation during the war. You have unfinished business." Shadow, with a sense of pride from bringing Sonic back into the job of bounty hunting, began to read the list of individual outlaws and gangs.

-El Gato  
-Revolutionaries  
-Chaotix  
-Desperadoes  
-Florists  
-Triple R  
-Turko  
-Kentucky Kansas

"Hold on there, deadeye!" Sonic interrupted. "First, I took out El Gato and claimed the bounty. Second, Kentucky Kansas is my friend. His real name to me is Knuckles the Echidna. Third, I'm not going after the Florists. You best call that bounty off, partner."

"You really should have kept quiet, Sonic. One of my clients would not be too happy about you killing one of his most useful goons. As for the Gato gang, there was a schism. The ones who left formed Los Gatos. Working alongside Kentucky Kansas, who you seem to call Knuckles, would be considered treason to the Egg Union and Egg Confederation."

Knuckles was a deserter who left the Egg Confederation during the First Battle of J.P. Gettem, which became a crucial loss for their army. An embarrassing defeat. The Egg Union still considers Knuckles an enemy for murdering civilians on their territory according to Shadow. Sonic began to look down at the ground. He could not believe the bullshit he was hearing. Shadow began to make a compromise with Sonic: **if the blue hedgehog could infiltrate the Chaotix and put a stop to their crimes and acts of terror, he would be pardoned by both the U.S. government and business magnate E.G.G. Mann. Shadow offered to go after the Revolutionaries and the Los Gatos.**

Sonic: "The Gatos."

Shadow: "What?"

Sonic: "Rio Grande River. Jesus."

Shadow: "What the fuck!?"

Sonic: "It's not the Los Gatos. It's just the Gatos. Los means- fuck it."

Shadow's voice began to crack. "Like I was saying, I will go after the Revolutionaries and the Gatos!" Shadow yelped. Little did either of them know there would be others who would be hostile towards them and the outlaw gangs. Shadow did not tell Sonic about going after Knuckles, but he did let the blue hedgehog know that the Florists could be spared under certain conditions.

**[Flashback Ends]**

Sonic helped the Chaotix hold off the Desperadoes using his Winchester Model 1873 "Blue Baller" that he upgraded from a Model 1866. He got 15 kills with all 15 bullets, calling in an Egg Gunship made in Animexas. Before the gunship arrived, it was shot down by one of the Desperadoes. The impact of the gunship still killed most of the Desperadoes, and Sonic finished off the rest with his Single Action Army revolver "Cordon Bleu." Nevertheless, the Chaotix were impressed. Techno Crock congratulated him, sounding like Count Dooku from the Clone Wars anime. "You have displayed much bravado." Chamel Leon, sounding like Yama Yugi from Yu-Gi-Oh, said "Indeed. Our leader may include you in our guild." Bumblebee yelled "Yeah, you could be our sharpshooter!" Bumblebee sounded like Spongebob. Armordillo stood at the town podium and announced "Our leader has spoken, this hedgehog shall be one of our own!" He sounded like Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid. "Yaaayyy!" Raycorn cheered like a Japanese voice actor trying to do an English dub.

Sonic became part of the Chaotix, and they told him of their plan to rob the Bank of El Paso. They were after a strongbox full of money. About 200,000 in U.S. dollars. The strongbox was discreetly hidden inside a wardrobe within the vault. Techno Crock pointed at the location of the vault on the blueprints. "Sonic, you will take three of our peons with you and get the guards attention. Once the alarm goes off, the rest of use will blast through the outer bank wall adjacent to the vault. Then we lasso the wardrobe out of there while putting down anyone who gets in our way." Chamel Leon pointed at the water facility. "Your transportation will be here at the side of this facility, Sonic." Bumblebee checked everyone's weapons, making sure they were ready for tomorrow. "Everything is good to go! Let's get rich!" Bumblebee said the next morning. They got their masks, bandanas, and weapons; the Chaotix made their way to the Bank of El Paso.

Sonic and the three peons walked into the bank. During the ensuring firefight, Sonic shot the three peons and caused the bank alarm to trigger by taunting a teller to activate it. "Come on slowpoke! Step it up!" he jested like a douche cannoli, Mario's favorite food. The Chaotix blew up the bank wall and it worked just as planned. They secured the rope around the wardrobe and the horse of Techno Crock pulled it away from the vault. "Yeehaw!" exclaimed the five lieutenants of the Chaotix. Sonic got onto his horse by the water facility and hauled ass, attempting to catch up with the rest. Meanwhile, a bounty hunter gave Sonic a convincing wound on his left arm with a nonlethal shot from his Henry rifle. "Ow!" yelped Sonic like a kid falling off their bicycle and scraping their elbow. Sonic managed to stay on his horse though, and continued to meet up at the rendezvous point. "The three peons got killed during the robbery." The Chaotix just shrugged it off. They have seen Sonic's wound and chose to believe him. Armordillo looked towards the direction of Bamboo Forest. "Now we head north."

"To Toot Toot Town?" -Sonic

"Yeah, to Toot Toot Town!" replied Raycorn. Sonic, trying to lead them away from the north, said "I don't know guys, they might have a military blockade there. Who knows what will be waiting up there. Could be a bunch of angry Pokemon."

Chamel Leon questioned him. "Yeah? What do you suggest we do?"

Sonic suggested another place. "I say we head down south to Aqua Caliente."

* * *

**Chapter 9: Fort Chao**  
The Chaotix began to move through the city of Aqua Caliente, where the sky is grey and cloudy. The city is devoted to Aqua, the Goddess of Water in Japanese Culture and Empress of the greater Water Empire. Aqua Caliente was originally a small town, until the actions of the bounty hunters Fox Eyes and Kentucky Kansas. Huge statues were erected in the center of the city portraying the two as heroic revolutionaries, as their actions allowed the villagers living there to transform into the greater Water Empire. They used their weapons to obliterate the smaller gangbanging tribes like the Southside Water Kings, Grape Boulevard Air Nomads, the 28th Earth Kingdom, and the East Side Fire Nation. "We'll settle here." Bumblebee stated, before telling them the nonsensical legend of the turf war between four elemental gangs.

**[Flashback Begins]**

Aang of the Grape Boulevard Air Nomads traveled in his 19th century caddie he brought over from the Himalayan Mountains. Appa and Momo were just behind, ensuring that Aang gets to the meeting with Sokka and Katara. "Sup blud," Aang greeted. "Look at your nappy ass hair."

Aang was commenting about Sokka's afro. "Hey mudafucka, at least I got some hair. Your ass looks like Caillou from that anime 'Avatar: the Last Airbender.'" Sokka counterdabbed. Katara called their blind Oriental servant Toph Beifong to fetch them some tea. Toph didn't come back with the tea. She came back with a MAC-10 loaded with a 30 round CLIP. "28th Earth Kingdom represent!"

Toph began to shoot at Southside Water Kings with the submachine gun machine pistol. She wasn't really blind, only pretending to be so Katara and Sokka thought she was harmless. Katara and Sokka pulled out their Gangster 17 handguns and tried to shoot at Toph blindly with blind fire. They couldn't hit her and the 28th Earth Kingdom member did a blackflip out of the window, throwing a sleeping gas Cherry Blossom Grenade. Needless to say, Katara and Sokka fell asleep. Aang pimpslapped the two, causing them to wake up too. Aang ran through the Japanese gentleman's club, where the kawaii pole dancing adolescent women wore only their bras, panties, and cherry blossom kimonos. Aang got distracted by the sheepish, yet beautiful, pole dancing women. "Katara. Sokka. You go on ahead."

Katara, Sokka, and all of the Sokka DJs of the Southside Water Kings got into Aang's caddie and drove off, going after Toph. Traffic was rare that day, as a younger Robotnik's innovative armored personnel carriers and infantry fighting vehicles were not patrolling the street. They accidently blew up the statue of Avellone, the alter ego of the bandit Pitchford. Sokka began to smoke all of the opium doobies to calm his nerves. "Every Little Thing" by Kyle K. Kansas, Knuckles' father and notable slaver, began to play. Everything was not going to be alright, as the East Side Fire Nation were trying to ram them off the road. One of the fire benders pulled out an AK. "Ozai says buenas noches." The firing bender began to shoot at Aang's caddie. To make matters worse, the 28th Earth Kingdom had a blockade up ahead and were shooting at both the Southside Water Kings and the East Side Fire Nation. At last, the Grape Boulevard Air Nomads showed up with TEC-9 machine pistols in their hands and a chip on their shoulders. A foursome shootout began, with Katara and Sokka hiding in the supermarket. Toph hid in the sheriff's office, taking potshots at the rival gangs. An Egg Limo showed up, and two more gangsters showed up. Their allegiance was to the East Side Fire Nation. Zuko pulled out an RPG. Azula pulled out her 10 inch futanari, which had inari tofu bags filled with rice instead of testis. "I'd like to suck the vinegar out of those!" said one of the Sokka DJs. Azula began to explain the rules of this battle.

"The winner... fucks the loser. That's the only rule."

Azula began to banzai charge towards the enemies with her futanari, trying to impale as many of them as she can before she gets killed. Zuko proceeded to steal Aang's caddie and keys before shooting at the supermarket with the RPG, causing the debris to fall onto Katara and Sokka. The second-in-command of the East Side Fire Nation drove off, leaving his goonies to the fight. Toph decided to martyr herself for the beliefs of the 28th Earth Kingdom, and comitted her swan song for one second before Aang shot her with a Spankher .45 handgun. The same gun Dungeon Master of Germany Rudolph Spankher used in the future to commit seppuku. Aang threw a lemon-lime shaped grenade into the supermarket, killing the Water Kings' leaders. Zuko went back to his uncle Iroh's mansion. Iroh was an infamous druglord and leader of the Inferno Cartel. Zuko went to have sex with some hot Fire Nation babes to prove Iroh's underlings that he was the alpha. The top dog. After the battle was over, Aang seemed to be the only one standing. He took the Egg Limo and drove to the Iroh Estate to appoint Zuko as the regional governor managing the congregation of towns that would become Aqua Caliente. Zuko changed his name to Nile Gonarch. Aang took on the local role of sheriff, as he started to look more like a caveman.

**[Flashback Ends]**

"Wow Bumblebee, that sounds like a bunch of bumblebullshit!" said Bumblebee to himself. Everyone else agreed that the story was absurd because there are no cars yet, making the story seem unbelievable. They continued to Fort Chao, the hideout of the Chaotix. Suddenly, there was a sniper taking cheapshots at them from the watchtower.

"Bumblebee, use your rocket launcher!" Raycorn commanded.

"Take cover!" Armordillo yelled.

Bumblebee launched the rockets from "The Hive," causing clouds of poisonous gas to disperse. The residents of the city became ill, having coughing fits. They tried to cover their mouths and noses, but it's no use! The citizens became victim to the terrorist attack caused by the Chaotix. Techno Crock, Sonic, and Raycorn provided suppressive fire against the sniper, while Chamel Leon and Armordildo were told to gather as many citizens as they could. The Chaotix intended to traffic the citizens, selling them to a notorious BIG criminal. "Wow, how convenient that we have gas masks on!" thought Sonic, impressed with this equipment created by the rogue state of Animexas. The sniper also seemed to have a gas mask on, speaking to himself with an Australian accent. He was not alone. There were eight other mercs with him. "Go, go, go! Charge!" yelled the one with a helmet, an American mercenary. "Will you just let's go?" whined another mercenary with a Bostonian accent. The rest of the mercs began to show up: a Scottish grenadier, a Texan innovator, a German surgeon, a French double agent, a Soviet heavy weapons specialist, and a flametrooper of unknown origin. All of the mercenaries had a professional appearance; they wore different gas masks, combat utility uniforms, ballistic vests, gloves, and boots. They dressed in all black and had a Mann Co. insignia on either their sleeves or vests.

"We've got Mann Co. commandos!" yelled an Aqua Caliente Royal Guard. Armordillo tried to shoot at the sniper with the Tenderizer, but the incendiary arrows from the crossbow did not hit the target. The Texan mercenary began to assemble to assemble an automotive gatling gun called "Brass Beast" by the commandos. The German medical expert and Boston cavalryman tried to evacuate many citizens that remained in the town. The slightly drunk yet sober enough Scottsman used a Cock-n-Balls Cannon to decimate much of the structures that provided cover for the Chaotix and Aqua Caliente Royal Guard. The American merccanery, a former member of a Midwest militia, reassembled his portable artillery and fired off several rockets before needing to reload. The Soviet began to man the Brass Beast, firing at the Royal Guards while the Texan managed the ammunition. Their muffled communications made them sound tacticool.

"Let's find a way out of here." said Techno Crock, calm as the Kool-Aid Man. The Mann Co. flametrooper began to torch the building they were in with a flamethrower, drawing them out. An injured Armordillo shot the flametrooper with the Tenderizer before succumbing to his wounds. The flametrooper, bleeding but still breathing, aimed a flare gun towards Bumblebee and pulled the trigger. Bumblebee plummeted to the ground, as did the Pyro. As his submachine guns "Bambi" and "Wide" ran out of bullets, Raycorn swapped to his pocket pistols Blinky, Inky, Pinky, and Clyde. He was successful in neutralizing the Scout, Engineer, Medic, and Demoman with each pistol. With no ammo left, Raycorn pulled out a knife and charged at the French double agent, who did not budge during his smoking session. The sniper hit Raycorn, who stumbled before he was finished off by another shot from the marksman of Australia and New Zealand. Finished with their cigarette, the spy leaned against a building, crossing his arms before signaling to his colleague in the watchtower that the remaining Chaotix members were boarding a train; the same one Mario was on from before. As he prepared to shoot Sonic, the sniper was headshotted by another marksman, Mario. "You can thank me later, hedgehog." The Heavy, Soldier, and Spy were nowhere to be seen. After confirming they were indeed gone, Mario took the bodies of Armordillo, Raycorn, and Bumblebee and put them on his wagon. The night has begun as the Chaotix approached a train.

"We didn't get any citizens..." mentioned Chamel Leon. Techno Crock told him "We Will get some on this train. Don't worry about the money." As the train became close to Fort Chao, Techno Crock activated the emergency brakes. "We are currently figuring out the maintenance problems. Everyone remain ca-"

Techno Crock shot the train conductor with a Colt Navy M1861 revolver, the only weapon he had after losing his light machine gun "Kawaii Miku" during the firefight at Aqua Caliente. He held all of the passengers and remaining crew members at gun point. "Everyone, stay the fuck down and don't try anything!" Techno Crock told Sonic and Chamel Leon to watch the train while he went to Fort Chao. Techno Crock went to tell the head of the Chaotix about what happened. The Chaotix leader told the crocodile that she will send some of her peons to collect the strongbox from the wardrobe, and the civilians from the train too. The leader told Techno Crock about a meeting with Los Gatos, who the Chaotix are trading the civilians to as slaves for various purposes, in exchange for dollars and emeralds. Gemstones, similar to valuable metals like gold and silver, were used as currency in Animexas. Meanwhile, Yunyun asked why the Chaotix gang would do such an act. Sonic whispered to her that he was undercover.

"How can I trust you? That gang you're part of has committed inhumane acts against some ordinary gamers and people."

"You can trust me, I-I-I-I-I'm a Libertarian!" Sonic stuttered.

"Sonic, enough talk about what you are!" Chamel Leon intercepted; the cockblocker.

Several members of the Chaotix showed up on the train and put the civilians in chains. "What we're going to do would make the Egg Confederation blush!" one of the Chaotix peons jested. Another Chaotix peon taunted the civilians. "I see we got some anime and manga who-ares heyah." Sonic, who wanted to "help" the civilians, was knocked out by Techno Crock and Chamel Leon. When Sonic woke up, the two lieutenants beat him and Big Haus up. The other Chaotix members began to laugh like a bunch of drunkards and Eastern Asian anime schoolgirls. Techno Crock and Chamel Leon began to howl too, like wolves on a friday night getting ready to party in Yakuza 0 (or Ryu Ga Gotoku 0). After a while, someone told them to throw the bounty hunters into the rape dungeon they turned into an interrogation room. That someone was Triple R, Rogue Renegade Rouge the Bat, new leader of the Chaotix. She ruled the gang with an iron, but fair, fist. Also thrown into the interrogation room were Yunyun and Megumin.

**[Smut Time, Send Help]**

Yunyun and Megumin were both panicking about being trapped in the dungeon. However, Yunyun went from panicking to becoming horny when she found Sonic in the interrogation room, giving the bounty hunter bedroom eyes. Sonic unzipped his Stetson pants and rolled out his manhood, which the two women of the Florist gang sucked on. Yunyun put her pussy on his manhood, slamming her ass against him. "Holy Emeralds, this feels good!" grunted Sonic. "Time for a change of hole!" he shouted, sounding like Eggman. Sonic slid his 12-incher into Yunyun's butt, causing her to moan with glee. "You're ass is so cumfy, Yunyun!" After ejaculating inside Yunyun, he went onto Megumin. "Time for some exposive cumbombs!" Sonic teased while taking seminal vesicle enhancing pills. "Here comes Sonic!" The bounty hunter began to pound Megumin from behind. "Nice ass, Arch Wizard Megumin!" Minutes later, he was ready to unleash the payload. "Oh yeah, I am about to burst!" Megumin began to moan with her ass up in the air.

**[Smut End]**

Sonic asked "Hey, do you chicks know where Darkness is?" They both shook their heads, not knowing where their friend was either.

Heavy, using a kunai belonging to Chamel Leon, stabbed the guard watching over the prisoners. The succubi found on the train were considered to be sloppy seconds by the rest of the Chaotix who are going to have some fun with them now. The Tee-Eff-2 Heavy gave Sonic his guns but no bullets to reload with, saying in his Soviet accent "I have no bullets for teeny tiny man."

Triple R watched from behind a couple of boxes. Everything went according to plan, as the bounty hunters have escaped and the Chaotix became paranoid. The Mann Co. commandos that Triple R hired have accomplished the true goal that she had all along: allow the Chaotix and bounty hunters to eliminate each other. That way, she could keep all $200,000 from the bank robbery. Chamel Leon began to panic as she called him out as a traitor. In truth, Triple R told the Heavy to set up Chamel Leon as a traitor who freed the bounty hunter Sonic. This will cause the gang to be distrustful of each other and increase their hatred towards Sonic and Mario, who they still think is Big Haus. Rogue Renegade Rouge executed Chamel Leon and told the rest of the gang her reason for doing so, showing the kunai used belonged to Chamel Leon. She then told the Chaotix to go after the bounty hunters, but told Techno Crock to stay. As Triple R went to open the strongbox, Techno Crock walked into the room and fell over. He had been killed by a backstab with another one of the kunais belonging to Chamel Leon. Triple R began to panic, feeling uneasy about who had done this. A French double agent entered the room.

"Did you forget about me!?"

It was the Tee-Eff-2 Spy, holding her at gunpoint. The Spy told her to unlock the strongbox, which she did. The money was gone. Instead, they found a copy of "The Adventures of Pluto Nash." Spy began to laugh hysterically, filled with different emotions of surprise and rage. Triple R just stared at the poster with a blank, wide eyed expression.

* * *

**Chapter 10: One Rich Hedgehog**  
The passengers of the train were brought onto the U.S.S. Epstein, a ship that came from Argente Bay named after Albert Epstein. He is the grandfather of Robotnik and creator of Shadow the Gunslinger, who was also cloned during the Second American Civil War. They were going to be sent to the private island of Los Gatos in the U.S. Vegeta Islands. The children, teenagers, and elderly were sent to work in labor camps to manufacture equipment for the Gatos. The middle aged adults worked in the mines and farms. The young adults were either sex slaves, mining slaves, farming slaves, or fishing slaves. Other private islands were owned by the Inferno Cartel.

Multiple battles erupted throughout the territories of Animexas, the United States, and the Egg Confederation. Sonic found a newspaper listing some of the most notable battles:  
-Battle of Aqua Caliente; Animexas victory. Participants: Animexas, Aqua Caliente Royal Guard.  
-Battle of Fort Chao; ongoing. Participants: Animexas, the United States, Egg Confederation.  
-Battle of Argente Bay; ongoing. Participants: Animexas, the United States.  
-Battle of Vegeta Islands; ongoing. Participants: Animexas, the United States, Egg Confederation.  
-Battle of Angel Island; ongoing. Participants: Animexas, the United States, Egg Confederation.  
-Battle of Toot Toot Town; U.S. victory. Participants: Animexas, the United States.  
-Battle of the Capitol Palace; Animexas victory. Participants: Animexas, the United States.  
-Battle of Bathwater; Animexas victory. Participants: Animexas, the United States.  
-Second Battle of J.P. Gettem; Egg Confederation victory. Participants: the United States, Egg Confederation.  
-Second Battle of the Trail; Egg Confederation victory. Participants: the United States, Egg Confederation.

"Holy emeralds, they're going to bring the war straight outta Virginia and onto Fort Chao!" Sonic yelled. Both Sonic and Mario decided to make their way back to Fort Chao, where the $200,000 was hidden. "I transferred the money there after you boarded the train near Aqua Caliente." claimed Mario. He continued speaking to Sonic while they traveled there, talking about where the money is at before pointing to a wagon underneath an isolated tree. "The money should be in this wagon." Mario removed the crates, leaves, and hay that covered a bag full of $200,000. He gave the bag of money taken from the strongbox to Sonic. "Go on, the $200,000 is yours to keep my a friend." Mario and Sonic remembered hearing about the slaves being placed on a ship at Argente Bay. The two traveled to Argente Bay, hoping that the place is still in one piece.

During the Battle of Argente Bay, Admirals Monkey D. Luffy, Squidward Tentacles, and Tommy Briggs lead the United States Navy against the combined forces of Grand Admiral Seto Kaiba, Bowser Jr. of Ethiopia, Daigo "Dio" Brando of Austria-Hungary, King K. Rool of England, and Majin Buu of the Soviet Union. The Thousand Sunny, Going Merry, Oro Jackson, Flying Dutchman, and U.S.S. Obama were the capital ships of the United States fleet; the last one being the flagship since it functioned as a aircraft carrier. The Blue Eyes White Dragon was the flagship of the Animexas Navy. "Full salvo!" shouted Admiral Seto Kaiba, sounding like Hitler from Wolfenstein 3D. The Blue Eyes White Dragon began to direct all of its weaponry towards the Going Merry, a powerful supply ship. "All frigates, phalanx formation!" shouted Admiral Luffy, whose objective was defending the Going Merry from long range artillery belonging to the Blue Eyes White Dragon. "Boarding parties, get ready!" commanded both Luffy and Kaiba. The United States navy boarding parties were led by "Red-Haired" Shanks, a friend of Luffy and former Animexas Admiral. The Animexas boarding parties were led by Bowser Jr. and Daigo Brando. "Strawhat Pirates lead the way!" yelled Shanks.

The Battle of Vegeta Islands concurred with the Battle of Argente Bay. The U.S. Army was led by Generals Ichigo Kurosaki, Yami Yugi, Yusuke Urameshi and Neo Anderson. Colonel Sam Fisher spearheaded the Studies and Observations Group. The Animexas private army was under the command of Dictators Frieza Castro and Cell Zedong, who sent their orders to the Generals Goku, Trunks, and Piccolo. The three were secretly in charge of Operation 40, an elite counterintelligence group rebelling against Frieza Castro's Tropas and Cell Zedong's Vietcong. Goku, Trunks, Piccolo, Ichigo Kurosaki, Yami Yugi, Yusuke Urameshi, Neo Anderson, and Sam Fisher planned out how they would raid Frieza Castro's plantation and Cell Zedong's palace inside a Cuban bar. A pissed off Cuban military captain busted open the door, demanding five of them to show some identification papers. As the captain turned his direction toward Yami Yugi, Yusuke Urameshi took out his knife and impaled the captain's hand to the counter. "Yugi, M16 with grenade launcher!" shouted Goku the Cuban barkeeper, tossing Yami Yugi the assault rifle. As they looked outside, the Nationale Poliza ordered the group to surrender. "Occupants leaving vehicles armed with shawtguns!" yelled Piccolo. Operation 40 and S.O.G. fought past the Nationale Poliza and stole one of their armored personnel carriers. Yusuke Urameshi repeated the plan. "Goku and Ichigo Kurosaki will assault the airfield! Yugi, Piccolo, you're with me!"

Yugi, Urameshi, and Piccolo set up ziplines leading to the Frieza Castro's compound and awaited the signal from Goku. "There's the compound. Goku's men should be at the airfield. Any minute..." Urameshi observed. A flair was shot into the air by the Cuban rebels led by Goku. "Now! There's the signal!" The three ziplined down to the compound, taking out some of the Tropas by strangling them with their bare hands. "Convoy ahead, do not engage." whispered Piccolo. The trio ran past the convoy undetected and reached the villa on of the plantation. "Piccolo, take the roof. If you have any trouble give us a yell!" commanded Urameshi. "Got it!"

"Yugi, on me!" -Urameshi

Yugi and Urameshi went through the villa's hallways, engaging the Tropas defending Frieza. After fighting through the dining room and hallways, they reached the bedroom of Frieza. Piccolo warned the two that Goku's men were going to begin their bombing run on the plantation within ten minutes. "Movement inside, get in position," Urameshi muttered to Yugi, sounding like he smoked ten packs a day. Yugi responded "This is it, ready to make history?" The two of them opened the door, and saw a burly figure with similar colors to the target's description taking a body pillow and using it as a shield. Yugi managed to headshot the target without harming the body pillow, who proceeded to pick up a Soviet flak barreled shotgun, a KS-23, and tried to kill the two operatives. Yugi and Urameshi shot the body pillow, causing the latter to blurt out "Crazy Bitch! He uses her as a shield and she still protects him?" Yugi replied with "Frieza Castro's supporters are fanatical in their devotion to him." The two of them headed to the airfield, intending to escape. Urameshi contacted Piccolo through the comms system. "Piccolo, what's the status on the airfield?"

"The word from Goku isn't good. They got half the Tropas down there. I'm bringing these medical supplies to the Cuban rebels!" The first bombing run against the plantation started, which led to Urameshi screaming "Let's get the fuck out of here before those planes blow us to pieces!" Yugi and Urameshi made there way through the crops and were getting close to the airfield. "The rebels are getting their ass kicked! Goku's group should be here!" Piccolo yelled. The three were knocked out by tear gas. Yugi woke up and found Frieza Castro looking down at him. "You're dead, we killed you-"

"No, you killed a double. You think we didn't know of your plan?" Frieza Castro interrupted. The double was actually Cooler, who looked nothing like Frieza, defeating the purpose of a double. "Do with them what you wish, Cell. He's my gift to you in honor of our new relationship. Just make sure he suffers." Frieza told Cell in his Cuban accent. "He will know suffering from beyond his darkest fears. I have plans for you, American..." Cell said like a Viet person speaking with a Soviet accent.

The duo of bounty hunters arrived at Argente Bay before the U.S.S. Epstein. Sonic asked Mario why he was drinking so much "Power Potions," a mix of whiskey, rum, and vodka. Mario told him about how the U.S.S. Epstein can easily increase its speed, thrice as much. The freighter also has the ability to warp, something that Mario was concerned about. He told Sonic the power potions help swat the worries away, figuratively. They found remnants of the Aqua Caliente Royal Guard escorting their goddess. "Say, aren't you two gentlemen bounty hunters?" one of the royal guards asked. "Yes we are, Toad!" Mario replied, surprised to see an old friend from the Mushroom Kingdom which was located on the planet Shroomacher. Toad, the most iconic of his mushroom headed species, offered them some weaponry and money if they helped escort their Empress Aqua. He believed that Mann Co. commandos were sent to Aqua Caliente to either capture or kill their empress. Mario turned to Sonic and convinced the hedgehog to join in escorting Aqua. "It is the least we could do for them. Some of those mercenaries will be here to look for the money. At least the ones that are remaining from that little incident at Aqua Caliente. They heard about the robbery and interrogated the people of El Paso about it, and those folks said the gang who were responsible for the robbery headed south but would eventually head back to Rio de Meido because of the war. The Mann Co. team still decided to head south to collect that money for themselves." Sonic agreed to do this, on the condition that he get a little something from Aqua. "Eh? This blue hedgehog dares to ask the goddess for more?" Aqua taunted, bawling from laughter. After that, she winked at Sonic and agreed to his terms of servitude. "I'll check up ahead, there might be an ambush..." said the Italian bounty hunter. Mario went up ahead to look for transportation they could use, only to be ambushed by the Spy. They fought each other in close quarters combat, throwing punches and kicks against each other. The Spy managed to gain the upper hand, knocking Mario to the ground and punching him repeatedly. The Mann Co. mercenary boasted to the bounty hunter about his skills. "You had no chance, imbecile. Now you're going to have a death!" The Spy went from boasting to wailing as he was stabbed in the leg with a knife that Mario took from him during their brawl. "So will you!"

Mario tackled the Spy and they both fell into the bay of water, presumably killed in action. Sonic went along the docks to search for his friend, but there was no sign of him anywhere. Sonic did not want to leave his friend behind, who he believed is alive still. "Mario has to be somewhere around here. After all, this is the area he mentioned scouting for an ambush of some sort." He heard someone swimming and looked over to see who it was. That person is the Spy, who got back on the lower end of the docks and found the hedgehog looking over in the water. He gone over to the hedgehog and tried to strangle him with a garrote wire. "Time for you to go, bounty hunter!" Thought to have a solid grasp on the bounty hunter, the Spy became surprised at how Sonic managed to evade him. "Not today, butterbitch!" Sonic shouted, shooting the Spy multiple times with his Single Action Army. The Spy fell back into the water, and it turns out that Mario did survive. "I stole this necklace from him, you want it?" asked Mario to Sonic. The necklace was made of gold chain and had a pear-cut jewel, blue as the sea. The hedgehog took interest in the necklace. "Sure, I could give this to the empress as a gift." The bounty hunters went back to the royal guards and their empress after making sure the area was clear. Sonic walked up to Aqua, handing her a necklace. "Hey, I got this for you after we killed some backstabbing Frenchie who tried to kill us first." Aqua was filled with happiness, hugging the blue hedgehog with all of her passion for him. That all was interrupted by an old enemy of Mario. "So you are the one that has my money. I guess you told my story to that hedgehog, huh?"

"Koopa!" Mario exclaimed.

"What story?" Sonic asked.

"So he doesn't know. Five years ago, I lost 30,000 Koopa Troopas in the blink of an eye...

...and the world just fuckin' watched. Tomorrow, there will be no shortage of Koopa Troopas, no shortage of volunteers. I know you understand, Mario."

Mario stared at King Koopa with dread. "I suppose so, Koopa. Sonic, go ahead and take the empress and her guards to where they have to go. Make sure to keep them safe."

The bells of the monastery in Argente Bay would be ringing soon. The time it rings is when the two enemies will draw their weapons against each other, putting an end to the bitter hatred they shared for each other. "The remains of the Mushroom Kingdom will be nothing, starting with you..." King Koopa threatened. "Then I'll wipe out the rest of these kingdoms, just like how I wiped out Sarasaland." Both Mario and King Koopa moved their right hand near their holsters, ready to draw out the revolvers as soon as the church bell chimes. As they waited for the chime, both remember their respective motives for doing this. Mario wanted to avenge the Mushroom Kingdom, Sarasaland, and the princesses. King Koopa planned to eliminate the few remaining people associated with the Mushroom Kingdom. The bell rang, and neither fired a single shot.

The Invasion of Fort Chao was spearheaded by General Naruto Uzumaki, Colonel Solid Snake, and Captain Rex. The three of them were in charge of the U.S. ground forces, consisting of the 501st Legion and a Tiger I tank under the callsign "Bandicoot." The tank crew included Crash Bandicoot the commander, Spyro the gunner, and Donkey Kong the driver. An M4 Sherman tank controlled by S.T.A.R.S. and a predecessor of the B-17 Flying Fortress served as reinforcements. General Uzumaki began the invasion with his infamous war cry. "Remember the Alamo!" The U.S. forces fought against the Animexas private army defending the fortress and the Egg Confederation, who were also trying to invade.

"You don't scare me. Communist piece of shit!" Piccolo yelled towards the dictator Cell Zedong. The tyrant told one of his Vietcong goonies to whack Piccolo of San Pepinillo in the back of the head multiple times with a metal pipe, seemingly killing him. "Piccolo!" Yugi cried out, watching his friend get killed by the Commie. "You focken sunova batch! I'm gonna kill ya all!" Yugi threatened like a pissed off Australian man with an Irish accent. "Next!" growled the dictator Cell Zedong like a Siberian Tiger. "You're-A-Meshi!" Cell Zedong exclaimed, happy to see his old rival as a prisoner of war. "Fuck you! You can't kill me!" Urameshi screamed to the dictator and leader of the Vietcong. Cell Zedong executed Urameshi with a Single Action Army revolver, causing even more rage in Yugi to build up. As they were about to kill Yugi, the prison alarm was activated. Goku and Ichigo Kurosaki escaped their cells and began to mow down the hordes of Vietcong; the pair being armed with AK rifles and MAC-10 submachine gun machine pistols. The Soldier from the Mann Co. strike team was kept prisoner here, developing an intense hatred for the Communists like he had for the Rudolph Spankher's Nazzies due to being betrayed by the Heavy and the Spy. He grabbed a Model 37 pump action shotgun and blasted away many of the Vietcong while letting out a battle cry that spooked the ones still alive. Cell Zedong ran away from the ensuring firefight, but Yami Yugi impaled the dictator with a kukri. "For Piccolo and Urameshi!" The Studies and Observations Group began to raid the compound, intending to rescue the prisoners after they have eliminated Frieza Castro. During the escape, they were hit by an artillery shell. As Yugi recovered from the shellshock, he could see Majin Buu executing the Tee-Eff-2 Soldier with a .50 AE revolver. Majin Buu had arrived here with reinforcements, pulling his ship away from the Battle of Argente Bay. Neo Anderson tried to pull Yugi away from the crossfire, but was shot by an Animexas trooper. Trunks, who was heavily wounded, slid a revolver towards YUGGGIIIOOOHHH! Yugi grabbed the revolver and aimed it at Majin Buu, firing a single bullet that killed the commander. He then shot two Animexas troopers that were guarding Majin Buu before passing out. The last thing he heard before passing out were the evac gunships used by the U.S. forces, intended to rescue wounded units. These gunships were also used by the Egg Confederation, as the original creator of the Egg Gunship was Robotnik. Yugi woke up so he could scream "NOOOOOO!" like he did in the show. Trunks did as well because Egg Confederation Egg Pawns g'out of the gunships. Yugi's remaining power dropped to zero and he passed out again to feign death.

Sonic found transportation for Aqua and her royal guards; a civilian freighter. Toad expressed gratitude towards the bounty hunter. "Thanks for your help Sonic. I wonder if Mario is okay though..." Sonic reassured him that he will go back for Mario. Toad nodded his head and gave Sonic $2,500 and a submachine gun designed to fire .45 Schofield caliber. The submachine gun resembled the STEN from WWII, and was named Typhoon due to the engravings of tropical storms. "Thank you for the reward, Toad." As he planned to go back and see if Mario is alive, Sonic looked back one last time to see Aqua, who did not forget about the reward she owed the hedgehog.

**[Smut Time, At the coast...]**

"What was that reward you wanted?" Aqua asked.

"I was thinking... can of baked beans..." Sonic answered.

"I have something you might like better." Aqua said while wiggling her ass. "Follow me..." She gave the hedgehog a lap dance in the crew quarters before the two of them made out (smoochie douchies). The water goddess pulled up her skirt and took off her panties. She slid her buttocks on his throbbing manhood. "Oh yeah, that's the stuff!" Sonic yelled, trying to sound like he is enjoying baked beans instead of smut to avoid suspicion from the royal guards. "Slam my buttpussy, Sonic!" Aqua moaned. The bounty hunter slammed his manhood in her ass. "Holy Emeralds, it feels like you got an enema! Oh yeah, your hole feels nice, real nice!" Sonic began to ejaculate all over Aqua's ass. "Maybe we can do this again sometime. Right now, I got to find Mario!" They kissed and Sonic left the ship.

**[Smut End]**

Sonic went back to where King Koopa and Mario dueled. None of them fired a single shot at each other. King Koopa fell over, with a throwing knife in his abdomen. "You can collect the bounty on him Sonic, my work here is done. I'm sure you'll be one rich hedgehog." Sonic looked towards Mario. "You can be a rich hedgehog too." Mario grinned back at his friend. "I don't think I'll be a hedgehog anytime soon. I placed the Chaotix lieutenants in a wagon pulled by your horse. You just need to claim the bounties at Rio de Meido."

Sonic found the wagon that belonged to Mario being pulled by a horse. All of the Chaotix lieutenants were in there.  
-Techno Crock, Vector the Crocodile  
-Chamel Leon, Espio the Chameleon  
-Bumblebee, Charmy Bee  
-Armordillo, Mighty the Armadillo  
-Raycorn, Ray the Flying Squirrel

As Sonic claimed the bounties for all of the Chaotix lieutenants and King Koopa, he forgot to take out Triple R, the one who ordered the gas attack on Aqua Caliente. To make matters worse, the leader of the Gatos is going to make that deal with her, escaping with the train hostages. Shadow the Gunslinger had told Mario, who in return let Sonic know, that Blaze the Cat is the leader of Los Gatos. "I've got to stop her!" Sonic yelled while running to the docks. The U.S.S. Epstein containing many soon-to-be slaves and Blaze the Cat began to warp. "Woah, what the... did I? Did she? J.C. what happened?"

"I can't quite tell, they're jamming my radar! Wait a minute, here we go. I'm tracking four outbound targets from your location. Oh no! What the... the targets have vanished! The radar is clear. She's gone, Sonic. She's gone!" Jesus (Hey Zues) Criz observed, relaying the information to Sonic.

"No way! That crazy bitch got away. I can't believe it, she got away... Noooooooo!" He might be a rich hedgehog, but in his quest for money, he forgot to save the soon-to-be slaves of Los Gatos.

Sonic tried finding a way to get to Vegeta Islands. Miner Steve and Big Smokey offered Sonic transport to Vegeta Islands. He gave each of the crew members one hundred U.S. dollars for their support. "I have to rescue them before they become-"

A gunshot was heard coming from the boat.

"Ah yeah, hail to the king baby!" a metal hedgehog taunted.


	4. The Good, the Bad, and the Hedgehog

Sonic of the Old West: The Good, the Bad, and the Hedgehog

Influenced by the Spaghetti Western "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly."

Summary: A trio consisting of a bounty hunter, a mercenary, and a former bounty hunter people see as a bandit, seek out the cache of valuable metals that belonged to the Egg Confederation from the First American Civil War.

Chapter 11: Oro Sónico  
Chapter 12: San Pepinillo Monastery  
Chapter 13: Captivity at San Pepinillo  
Chapter 14: High Noon, Yet Morning  
Chapter 15: Duel on Sand Hill

* * *

**Chapter 11: Oro Sónico**  
In the Second American Civil War, a covert regiment of United States forces were sent to rescue one of their own, Yami Yugi. He was being brainwashed by the Egg Confederate military, who were using ancient Amazonian Communist torture techniques to convert him into the ultimate sleeper agent. Their base was located in, yep you guessed it, Jacksonville, Florida. The location was the capital of the Egg Confederation. It is where the notoriously big blue bounty hunter hedgehog was staying. The one known as Sonic "Speedball" Hedgehedge. Sonic was greeted by Doctor Robotnik's harem consisting of Albedo, Zero Two, and various maids. He used the money gained from bounty hunting and a bank robbery for their services.

**[Smut Time, Shoot...]**

"Oh yeah, I'm gonna show you maidens my Huge Hefner!" Sonic exclaimed. He was now in his werehog form because it was conveniently fool moon.

"Oh my goodness, Sonic! You're so big!" Albedo moaned. "Fuck me harder, you're majesty!"

"Ah yeah, this is happening!" Sonic grunted, pounding the floor guardian's tight twat. The hog was going full British Bulldog on her. "Oh, I do say, madame! Pardon me!" Sonic said Britishly while spanking Albedo's buttocks. After bursting his splooge into Albedo, he went onto Zero-Two. "You've been a nughty girl, Pinky-winky!" the hog teased sexily while inserting his rocket-ship of love into her vagina.

"YES, Sonic, YES!" Zero-Two moaned. "Mmmmph!" the pink-haired waifu moaned like the Pyro from Team Fuckass 2. Sonic flipped Zero-Two over and proceeded to suck all of the breast milk from her breasts. He did the same for Albedo. "Oh, I haven't forgotten about your vampire vagina!" Sonic said to Shalltear Bloodfallen. "Hyah! Giddee up, horsee!" the hedgehog shouted as he rode the vampire's vagina all night along. After finishing his business, he went to see Robotnik.

**[Smut Over]**

Robotnik was creating a new weapon for Sonic to use in his quest for the Chaos Emeralds. "Good afternight, Sonic!" Doctor Robotnik gretted in his Jewish accent. "This here is the Blue Baller Mk. 2!" the industrialist shouted while holding the weapon by the triggerguard. The weapon was not really new; it was Sonic's old Winchester Model 1873 rifle, but this time it had a sniper scope and a silencer so Sonic can become the Animexan Sniper. "Awesome!" Sonic shouted, but not too loud because he didn't want to wake up the neighbours and drugs dealers. "Doctord. I found this evil robot hedgehog trying to pull off a hit. Do you know who might of sent this thing?" Sonic asked solemnly and stoicly. He said that while pulling Metal Sonic out of a coffin that he carried around the whole time after leaving a boat. Robotnik nodded, answering the bounty hunter. "Another bounty hunter by the name of Luigi might know how to trace this. He looks like a Mexican Phil Collins. He should be easy to find, bub."

"Thanks Doc." Sonic mentioned. He went on too look for Tails, known as Fox Eyes, and Kentucky "Knuckles" Kansas. "Good evening gentlemen. Tomorrow morning, we search for the San Pepinillo Monastery.

* * *

**Chapter 12: San Pepinillo Monastery**  
The next day, Sonic smoked some mariguana and packed weapons, bullets, and dollars for trip. "In the West, there is no rest for the shitheads" a sign read, but Sonic kept that in mind for later instead.

"I think we are almost arriving to San Pepinillo!" Tails said excitedly, bouncing up and down like a frog or crack addict.

"Hecks yeah mon!" Knuckles happily blurted out. The Southern Rastaechidna cowboy cocked his pump-action shotgun, a Winchester Model 1893. He insterted some brass shells into the shell tube and the trio headed into the town. The town seemed to on high alert after a recent raid by a posse of outlaws known as the Babylon Rogues. The sheriff spoke to them.

"Sorry for the lack of hospitality fellers. A couple of critters done stole our grub, guns, and money. And a bunch of other stuff too. Once again, sorry. I said I'm sorry about that, okay? Didn't I say I was sorry?"

"Yeah. You did," Tails answered, because Tails was the brains of the group.

Sheriff: "Anyway, they called themselves the Babylon Rogues or something. Couple of Aribs messing around or something. I don't know anymore. I just want these bandits to stop raiding our towns. We already have to worry about this second civil war right now."

"You know anything about the Sand Hill Cemetary?" Tails asked.

Sheriff: "I think some Illegal Alien Hedgehog named Plateado was rambling about it. He's being held captive at the monastery by a regiment of U.S. Marines. I know he is an Illegal Alien because his head looks like a mariguana leaf."

"You know anything about a Luigi?" Sonic asked.

Sheriff: "Luigi usually hangs out at that saloon, getting high off whiskey."

"Aight, I'm finna check it out!" Sonic said.

Sonic went to the saloon and ordered a baked beans bacon cheeseburger, a chili cheese dog, chili cheese fries, and root beer. He found Luigi at a booth. "Sonic! How-a-you doing?" Luigi asked. "Not much, Luigi. I have this machine I wanted you to examine, but first, we shall feast." They ate their foods and spoke with each other. Sonic mentioned how he had "close encounters" with the KonoSuba and Re: Zero characters. "It's true man, I had close encounters with them!" Sonic joked while Luigi chuckled and someone else in the bar choked. On their baked beans and bread.

After finishing their food, Sonic opened up the coffin revealing the metallic remnants of Metal Sonic. Luigi examines the killing machine. The wrods spoken by Luigi shook Sonic in his hedgy spines. "This looks like E.G.G. Mann's work." A plethora of Egg Confederation Egg Pawns showed up to bring the town under lockdown. Sonic easily surrendered, and he, Knuckles, Tails, and Luigi were brought to the monastery to be detained for their degeneracy.

* * *

**Chapter 13: Captivity at San Pepinillo**  
Sonic, Luigi, Tails, Knuckles, and Metal Sonic were placed into a room that has been converted into a makeshift holding cell. The room contained a bathroom, two beds with blankets and pillows and bed sheets, a closet containg linen clothes and cotton sweaters, a coffee maker, a coffee table, a desk, a typewriter, four chairs, and a 19th Century boombox. "This is going according to plan..." Sonic moaned hornily.

"THIS is your plan? Are you crazy Knuckles?" Tails asked.

"Ay mon, I and I may be crazy, but tis' room is full of suprises!" Kentucky Kansas told Tails. The echidna picked up a few supplies from the closet, including lamp oil, rope, bombs, the cotton sweaters, and the linen clothing. The echidna converted the desk into a crafting table. "One of y'all git me guds from the pottyhouse. You're about to be surprised at what I'm going to cook up." Sonic and Luigi searched the bathroom, finding soap, detergent, rubbing alcohol, shampoo, conditioner, toilet cleaner, bleach, and toilet paper. The last one was essential to Knuckles's plan. "Very gud. I require more resources. Use this coffee maker and fill it up with water, but do not get electrocuted because my plan will not work if we lose any of y'all." Tails filled up the coffee pot with water, Sonic deconstructed the chairs and table to collect wooden sticks, and Luigi collected the bed sheets, pillows, and blankets.

In the next room, there were people speaking about the secret cache of gold, silver, and bronze stockpiled by the Egg Confederation during the First American Civil War. It was the Babylon Rogues interrogating the hedgehog Plateado Benedicto Arnoldo Jose Benito Jose Ignacio Ramirez, a Mexican bandito and con artist who tricks people into thinking he has telekinesis super powers. The high ranking members of the Babylon Rogues are Boss Hawk, Tsunami, and Lightning Bird. Their gang was one of the twelve largest outlaw gangs in Animexas, and they are very powerful like a criminal syndicate. Boss Hawk was an hawk, as his name implied. He wields a Colt Model 1839 Carbine known as "Duke of Biohazard," named in reference to the infamous beast containing high-value pelts. Tsunami is a swallow, and people cannot answer if she is European or African, but she is Eastern European Slavic mixed with Japanese and Korean. Tsunami wields a Smith & Wesson Hammerless and a Colt Buntline Special. Lightning Bird is a Comanche albatross who uses a Volcanic Rifle and Volcanic Pistol. They were disguised as Egg Confederation infantry, wearing the uniforms of the Egg Cavalry.

"Tell us where the gold is hiding!" Lightning Bird demanded.

"We know that you know where it is located" Tsunami proclaimed.

Boss Hawk cackled. "You tell us where the metal is, and we stop torturing ya."

Plateado the Hedgehog yelled "It's no use! I won't tell you where the gold, silver, and bronze is at because I don't know where it is at!" They continued to torture the silver-white furred hedgehog.

Knuckles continued working at the crafting table, asemibling the soap, detergent, rubbing alcohol, shampoo, conditioner, toilet cleaner, bleach, and toilet paper. "I've done it! I've made heroin! We can use it to bribe the guards!" Knuckles exclaimed, also making explosive clothes from the lamp oil, rope, bombs, cotton sweaters, and linen clothing. In addition, the gang now have disguise made from the bed sheets, blankets and pillows. "We can use these makeshift Klansmen outfits to instigate a riot!" Tails excitedly said. "Good idea, Tails" Luigi complimented. Knuckles set up the explosive clothing at the door, setting it off after the two got behind the crafting table and beds, now being used as a makeshift bomb shelter, shielding them from the explosive. The remote detonator was made out of spare components in Metal Sonic's chasis. "Blow it now!" Sonic alerted, as two guards walked past by.

The results were spectacular! They were able to escape now, and Knuckles picked up a Colt Model 1878 Coach Gun. It was time to head towards the armory, but another door stood in their way. "I'll use my super shotgun to blast this door open!" Knuckles exclaimed. He fired both barrels, obliterating the door. "What the Chaos Control? The armory has already been opened and someone took my prototype machine gun!" The Typhoon, Sonic's submachine gun chambered in .45 Schofield and resembled the WWII STEN, has been seized by the Babylon Rogues. "Oh well, guess I still got my trust Blue Baller here!" Sonic said. Luigi picked up a Winchester Model 1887 lever action shotgun and grabbed some shells for it. Tails picked a Henry Rifle and a Colt 1861 Navy revolver. Knuckles chose a Colt-Burgess Rifle and a LeMat revolver. As they were wearing the disguises, someone outside noticed them. "Oh hecks no!" the townsfolk shouted, alerting more people to the monastery. Their disguise didn't cause a riot, but it caused a protest from the townsfolk instead. As the Egg Confederation Egg Pawns tried to maintain security and hold back the protesting proto-hippies, the good guys searched for the hedgehog known as Plateado. He was going to be executed, but the bounty hunter association prevented that. All of them escaped through the back entrance of the monstery; a fairly large building.

"Time to remove our disguises before people think we are spooky Klansmen!" Luigi exclaimed. They hopped onto some horses and rode away back to Argente Bay. "Yeehaw!" Knuckles shouted.

"You have my gratitude. Hrngg my neck!" Plateado, or Silver the Hedgehog, said. "Where are we heading to?"

"To Argente Bay. We should avoid suspicion there." Sonic answered, thinking Silver was asking to get hanged by the neck. Not that the blue blur would do that.

Sonic proceeded to walk through the town of Argente Bay with the intent of leisure at the hotel. He was greeted by Kagerou Imaizumi, a stoic were-Honshu wolf who used to live isolated in the Bamboo Forest. Sonic waved back and ordered his usual drink; a mixture of whiskey, vodka, and rum. The hedgehog lit a match and used it for his opium smoking pipe. He noticed something particularly suspicious about the figure sitting at the counter's end who was drinking a cup of coffee. This man looked uneasy and was dressed like a successful doctor of the time period, wearing a white long sleeve shirt and an Aquaberry vest over it. You were supposed to read that with a Posh accent. This man seemed to be tinkering with a device of some sorts designed to alternate acceleration and speed. Shadow continued his drinking and smoking session until two bandits walked in, speaking with Italian accents like Mario and Luigi; only their tones were more gruff. One of the bandits wore a yellow suit, purple overalls, and green boots. The other had a violet suit, black overalls, and orange boots. Both of the bandits had sombreros on their heads. They were searching for someone in the saloon, and began to walk towards the person in question after finding him. The yellow suit bandit grabbed the man who was fixing the strange device, threatening him. "Rintaro mi amigo, you promised our gang that you would get us that warping technology! I would hate having to kill you right here, in this fine establishment. Yet that might be what I have to do!" This Rintaro character, still held up by the bandit and panicking, said "The device is not ready yet, we are still working on a prototype that is acceptable by our standards! Just give us some more time, damnit!" The bandit grabbed Rintaro by the throatneck, giving more threats towards the man. The violet suited bandit shouted "You better not try to swindle us, or I'll slit your throat and neck!" The yellow suit bandit dropped Rintaro onto the ground, causing an identification badge to fall out of his vest's pocket. The man known as Rintaro quickly packed his things in a hurry, running off back to work. The two bandits, Wario and Waluigi, left the saloon as well. Luigi walked towards the identification badge that read:

R. Okabe  
Société Européenne de Recherche Nucléaire  
Department of Nuclear Energy Research, Animexas  
11-47-82-18

"Rintaro Okabe. SERN. Located in Animexas." the Italian bounty hunter read out.

"Hey Luigi, do you know who those bandits were?" Sonic asked.

"They are the Garlicco Brothers, Wario and Waluigi. Those two lead a coalition of bandito groups moving from south of the border. Think they are called Revolutionaries or something."

"Revoes? They sound familiar. And that scientist is Rintaro Okabe, right?" Sonic asked.

"Yep. Hey... you noticed that something was bothering that guy?" As Okabe ran back to work, his torture at the hands of Wario and Waluigi haunted him.

**[Smut Time, Brace Yourselves]**

"Wahh this is so fun!" Wario gloated while pounding Kurisu Makise, who was mostly nude, only wearing her lab coat. The 300-pound love god, Wario, was pounding the red-haired scientist doggystyle. "Oh yeah, goosh goosh time!" he announced, enjoying his torment of Rintaro Okabe, another scientist that Wario has kept tied up in a chair, gagged. "Haha, you enjoying this Okabe?" Waluigi asked, sliding his erected manhood into Lucoa, the dragon-human maiden. "Well, you must like dragon girls that have huge tits, curvaceous asses, and heterochromia! No worries, I have a fetish for heterochromia myself after this picture!" Waluigi blurted out. One image showed Lucoa lifting up her shirt, revealing her big awe-inspiring breasts. Most of the images portrayed a red haired woman, also an employee at SERN, in explicit ways. One image showed her partially nude, wearing only her panties and labcoat, leaning on a desk while smiling. "Wow! Check her out! It's your girl, Okabe!" Wario taunted.

**[Smut End]**

"All right privates, you have your free time. Just don't do anything stuopied." Colonel Solid Snake went off to speak with military officials to gain clearance for reaching Angel Island, while the rest of his unit got some dinner at a luxury restaurant better described as a cabaret. Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Luigi, and Silver decided to eat here as well. They were seated at a booth on the second floor; the upper floor where they could see the entertainment up ahead yet below their elevation. Their waiter, Hayate Ayasaki, provided them portions of an entree they can choose from: boiled ham, roasted turkey, steak, fish, poultry, or mutton chops. Sides included fried potatoes, cooked vegetables, corn bread, various soups, stew pies, apple sauce, cranberry sauce, and English muffins. The choices for drinks are cold water, milk, tea, coffee, wine, ale, rum, whiskey, super potions, and (Quetzalcoatl) Lucoa's breast milk. The bounty hunting group ordered everything on the menu, and Knuckles told Hayate the Combat Butler to leave the entire platter of meats behind. He gave the waiter $200 in exchange for this. They all devoured the food like a bunch of hungry and horny dragons. The succubus Albedo was on stage, singing a pretty nice jazzie song. She had some nice breasts as well, but Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Luigi, and Silver were too busy eating their food to notice. Another possibility is that they know she could suck the souls AND white sticky substance through their manhood, something they did not want to risk, so they focused on eating their grub instead. Silver ate through the food like a damn anaconda with an empty stomach. Sonic and Tails ate the food like a bunch of third-worlders, using their hands instead of utensils. This caught the attention of Albedo, who began to flirt with them by winking and making suggestive gestures. The kind of suggestive gestures where someone wiggles their index finger at you to come with her or him. Sonic was turned on by the succubus, but his friends weren't. They did NOT want to get their souls sucked from their manhood.

* * *

**Chapter 14: High Noon, Yet Morning**  
The next day, Sonic stockpiled ammunition for his weapons. Tails and Knuckles went on to rescue prisoners aboard the freight ship U.S.S. Epstein, as Sonic had told them to do so. "The Plateado ran off" the blue hedgehog pointed out. He needed to find Silver, as that bandit was their only ticket to finding out where the valuable cache of metals are located in Sand Hill Cemetary.

"Arriba, horsie!" Silver commanded to his blue pony that wore a wizard hat and cape. He slapped the pony on the ass with a BDSM whip to make the beast of burden move faster than before, but not quite fast enough. "Arriba, horsie!" he shouted again, crackling the whip again, spanking the pony on the bootyhole again to make the transport move faster. This caused the pony to release energising waves of electric flatulence, allowing the beast of burden to run at Sonic speed.

"Hey Sonic, that Plateado took most of our bullets." Luigi alerted.

"Damn! Guess we have to purchase some more. I saved a few in my bandolier."

Change of plans, Sonic. There was shootout showing up into Argente Bay. The Hampshire Hooligans are in pursuit of Plateado, and so are the Red Coats. As if those two gangs weren't enough, more are about to arrive. It seemed every other gang was about to show up. The Chaotix, the Revolutionaries, Los Gatos, Florists, Desperadoes... all of them except the Babylon Rogues. Luigi decided to handle this, grabbing an entire crate full of dynamite and setting it up near an ambush spot. Linking it up with a detonator, the bounty hunter took cover behind a rock near the forest in proximity. Sonic took refuge on the second floor of a barn, looking out the window. This spot was a perfect vantage point to oversee the events that will conspire. Colonel Solid Snake of the United States walked out. "Gentlemen. Welcome to Animexas within the continent of North America!"

"Fucck you, old man!" one of the Hampshire Hooligans shouted at the colonel, even though Solid Snake was not elderly at all. At least not yet. The Red Coats stated that themselves did not have to worry too much about these baddies. The Hampshire Hooligans were nothing more than obscure outlaws who banded together to commit heinous crimes against some ordinary gamers and people. Although that does seem bad, this gang was unsuccessful most of the time. Before the Hampshire Hooligans and Red Coats could pillage the developing city, Solid Snake tried negotiating with them. "Gentlemen, what are you seeking on this calm morning?" The outlaws chuckled like jaguars choking on Atari cartridges. The leader, Aero the Acro-Bat, announced in his boisterous voice, sounding like a boisterous trash talker "You mercs are dumber than we thought. We came here to take the riches of this town!" The Hampshire Hooligans are:

-Aero the Acro-Bat  
-Punky Skunk  
-Titus the Fox  
-Rocky Rodent  
-Awesome Possum  
-Zero the Kamikaze Squirrel  
-Jazz Jackrabbit  
-Glover Murtaugh  
-Cool Spot the Moving Target  
-Croc Riggs

A battle erupted between all of the outlaws there, with the exception of the Babylon Rogues. As Sonic reloaded his Blue Baller, the leader of the Chaotix showed up. "Where's my money Sonic?" Triple R, Rogue Renegade Rouge the Bat, asked. "Where's my money, Sonic?"

"Hey Triple R. Didn't hear you walk in."

"WHERE'S MY FUCKIN MONEY SONIC!?" Triple R demanded, pointing her Lefauchex Model 1858 "Thief's Piece" at the hedgehog. "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY FUCKIN MONEY!?"

"Here." Sonic reached into a bag, but instead of pulling out the money, he drew his Colt Single Action Army named "Cordon Bleu" and shot Rouge multiple times. "If you're gonna shoot, shoot, don't talk." Sonic advised, referring to a quote from Tuco Ramirez. He heard some banditos getting ready to rush the barn, so the hedgehog picked up the Thief's Piece and kept it aimed at the door. Sweat dripped from his sweaty spines. As soon as they kicked the door down, Sonic fanned the revolver and gunned them down at a rapid pace. "How did you know?" one of the Revolutionaries asked.

"The spurs," Sonic replied before executing the bandito.

Luigi struggled wiring the detonator like a mariachi band trying to play a tune on the electric guitar that is unfamiliar to them. After managing to wire the dynamite and detonator, he took a sip of whiskey before activating the explosives. His black cowboy clothing made him stand out in the sun, but it would not matter once those outlaws were grased and unfased by the dynamite. The Italian bounty hunter utilised his lever action shotgun to finish them off.

Meanwhile, Silver was feeling thirsty. "That no good bastard Sonic left me stranded in the desert!" That no good bastard Silver finally arrived into San Varjata, finding a bathhouse. Before he could take a bath there, a mercenary from the Mann Co. commandos showed up. "I found you, you teenie tiny pussy." It was the Tee-Eff-Two Heavy! He had a Kevlar vest over his black uniform and long, black latex gloves. He held Plateado at gunpoint with his Remington Model 1890. "I have all the time to practice my aim on you, hedgehog shit." Silver quickly unholstered his Colt Sidehammer and shot the Tee-Eff-Two Heavy in the head, unleashing all six bullets of doom into the skull belonging to the mercenary. "If you're gonna shoot, shoot, don't talk." Silver advised, referring to a quote from Tuco Ramirez. "Ah crapples. Can't I enjoy my privacy in peace?" Silver said after spotting the posse of Babylon Rogues. Plateado would have to battle Native American Indian outlaws led by Lightning Bird. Their battle cry reminded Silver of Middle-Eastern insurgents and rebels.

"Once I have that gold, I'll have enough money to vacation to the Bahamas!" Lightning Bird shouted.

"Not today, bitchbutterhole!" Plateado called out, then running away.

"Get 'em, ya dopes!" Lightning Bird commanded. Silver incapacitated one of them and looted the arrows of their corpse, picked up a bow, and kept his distance away from the incoming bandits on horseback. The bandits faced a barrage of arrows, and tried to fire back with their own bows, muskets, and firearms. "Where are those bastards? I can't see 'em!" a Babylon Rogue called out. It turns out the ones firing at the Babylon Rogues were a small tribe of Comanche led by the anthropomorphic echidna Pachacamac. Silver proceed to throw an entire pebble at Lightning Bird, causing the notorious outlaw to drop his Volcanic Pistol, which the hedgehog equipped. As Lightning Bird fired back with his Volcanic Rifle, Plateado took advantage of his temporary allies, allowing him to duel the albatross, which didn't last long like an erection that only lasts for one minute, even with Viagra. Silver took down Storm the Albatross and was ready to claim the bounty on him.

Meanwhile, a convoy of Egg Confederation troops headed to San Varjata.

"Hurry up, we need to deliver these supplies to the Sand Hill camp!" Scratched screeched in his ear-piercing voice.

"Quiet robot chicken, I think I've heard something!" Grounder yelled out, sounding like he has Down Syndrome.

Decoe, in his higher pitched robotic voice, says "It is probably another one of those buffalo. We should silence them with our high velocity bullets."

Bocoe, on the other hand, spoke in a lower pitched voice. "Maybe it was one of those tribes hunting."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You numbnuts are always hearing things!" Coconuts said in a New York accent.

"No seriously, what was it?" Bokkun squeeled like a Japanese anime schoolgirl.

"Will you stop playing that harmonica!?" Orbot demanded in an English accent. "Hey, don't look at me!" Cubot responded in a Southern accent. They turned to find Boss Hawk there, and the bandito stopped playing the harmonica, causing the instrument to fall onto the ground. He aimed his six shooter carbine and fired at Scratch, Grounder, Coconuts, Decoe, Bocoe, and Bokkun, then proceeding to execute Orbot and Cubot with a sawed off double-barreled shotgun. "What do we have in this stagecoach?" Boss Hawk cackled. Inside the wagon were the coordinates to Sand Hill Cemetary. "Yee-haw!"

Silver returned to the bathhouse and took a bubble bath. "Once I get my hands on that gold, I'm gonna move out further west and get me a mansion full of hot anime grils wearing bunny suits." It was peaceful for the most part, until he heard somebody trying to interrupt. Silver armed himself with a Model 95 derringer. Ka-pow! He shot the Colt Buntline Special out of Tsunami's hand before shooting Tsunami herself. Wave the Swallow was down. Now only Jet the Hawk remained.

* * *

**Chapter 15: Duel on Sand Hill**  
As the lawman Luigi rode off into the sunset, Sonic felt depreesed. "I thought I was a wise man, but I'm only a fool. A dumb ass who is not even a donkey or mule." Sonic whispered to himself. "I shouldn't have sent Kentucky Kansas and Fox Eyes to the Vegeta Islands. That Sol Blazer has probably set up an ambush and I've only gotten them sent straight to six feet underground. Sol Blazer is conninving, and a douchebag!" Sonic screamed into the sky, deppressedd that his friends might have been killed by Los Gatos. He didn't cry because he is a manly hedgehog. Also, real men only cry when it is raining while standing out in the rain, according to Yaden Yiff, a furry philosopher who has taught Sonic everything he needs to know about life, in addition to the secrets of the tribe known only as the Jedi. Sonic would visit this persons for answers.

The chief of the Jedi, a feminine young adult by the name of Skywalker. He had blonde hair, blue eyes, and looked like one of those anime traps that people call them. "You must be the one many call Speedball. I know what you seek and for you to gain that which you seek, you must head to the Gardens of Cochise, named in honour of the Apache who bested us. The peyote there have a sap necessary for your trial." Before he left the hut, the hedgehog began to transform into a werehog, even though it was day time." What-"

"The dark cloud will allow you to move faster," Skywalker told him. Now in his werehog form, Sonic ran super fast to the garden. "This must be the bed of peyotes the chief told me about!" Sonic grunted. Using his arms, Sonic picked up the bed of peyotes and ran back to the hut.

**[Smut Time, Once Again]**

Sonic found Skywalker completely nude. "Now Sonic, you must coat your entire hand in this sap extracted from the peyote." Skywalker proceeded to spread his buttocks, revealing his tender pornhole. It was very tender, like barbeque ribs that easily fall of the bone. And very smooth, like potato salad. "You must slide your hand in the abyss, Sonic."

"Errr, I don't knew Luke. My hand looks like it is too big for your tight boy pussy," Sonic responded.

"Not with the sap you got. It will lube your hand up."

"OKay here goes nothung." Sonic slid his love fist into the pit of doom. Sonic began to fist Luke harder and faster. "Mmmpf, fuck!" Like moaned. "I mean, keep going with your trial."

"Man, this feels really gay!" Sonic exclaimed.

"Your eyes deceive you Sonic."

"Wait, what?"

Sonic has been hallucinating, and it turns out Luke Skywalker was actually a dark blue haired woman with perky breasts, a curvaceous body, and nice round buttocks. Still, her name is Lucina "Luke" Skywalker. "Holy emeralds, you are hot anime girl!" Sonic said. The true blue proceeded to fist her ass faster and faster. "YES SONIC YES! FUCK ME FASTER! GOTTA GO FASTER ON THIS PIECE OF YLISSEAN ASS!" A yellow aura appeared around Sonic's fist.

**[Smut End]**

"Wow, Chaos Energy!"

"Yes, Sonic. You have everything you need." Lucina "Luke" Skywalker told him. They kissed passionately and Sonic walked out, now reverting back to his true blue form. He continued onward to Sand Hill Cemetary, as the Chaos Energy led him there. He was surprised to see Silver has already arrived to the grave which supposely contain gold, silver, and bronze.

"You found the treasure?" Sonic asked.

"Screw off, Sonic! The metals are mine, you two-bit backstabbing bastard!" the other hedgehog responded.

"Watch out, son. Those words could get you killed if it were anyone else," a mysterious black hedgehog said.

"Shadow, why are you here!?" Sonic asked, despite knowing Shadow is here for the valuable metals as well. "The same reason you two are here. It seems we all are searching for the cache of riches" Shadow replied, smoking a cigar because he is the badass guy. "That ain't the grave you are looking for," Shadow noticed.

"What do you mean?" Silver asked.

"I'm an honourable man. The location of where the wealth is buried is written upon that rock. The last man standing gets to leave as one rich hedgehog." Shadow pointed out. A rock lay upon the center of the sands. They would settle this with a good old-fashoin Animexas standoff. The trio eyeballed each other, and the sun set. The cactus shriveled up, and the tumblrweeds rolled around. Each of them knew they faced their greed, the driving factor of seeking death throughout the desert of the South. From the West to heading back east, it seems their journey has led them back to the focal point of Sand Hill Cemetary. The intersection of death and dreams. The wind pierces through their minds, and the trio remained unfased by the heat that boils their flesh and conscious.

Sonic shot Shadow while Shadow and Silver shot Sonic. "I've been slain!" Sonic shouted, dying and bleeding out. "Damn, didn't expect it to end like this. Maybe I will see Tails and Knuckles in a better or worse place." Silver threw the empty Smith & Wesson Hammerless revolver since he still had Colt Buntline Special in his holster, fully loaded. As he checked to rock, Boss Hawk showed up to congratulate the hedgehog, holding Plateado at gun point using a Colt Paterson. "You killed these two? There isn't know stopping you, is there?" Boss Hawk cackled. "Now drop the gun, Plateado and start digging." Silver started to dig at the spot where the rock claimed the gold and other metals were buried at. "You know, this would go a lot faster if you helped" Silver told Boss Hawk.

"Shut yer dumbass up and keep digging. I ain't got time fer yer shit!" Jet the Hawk replied in a cool ass manner, trying to seem cool and laid back, but was angry and seething like a fed up gorilla that hasn't been fed in a week.

"The Egg Confederation es going to be pissed to find out that tu have their gold seanoor."

"That's for me to worry about. Not you. You should be worried about trying to get the gold and not dying from my big iron, doughgud brains."

Plateado continued to dig until he hit a burlap sack, checking what is inside. Boss Hawk cocked his revolver. "WEll, looks like you found mi gold, boyo! Time for you to die!" Before Boss Hawk could fire, someone shot his hand and Silver quickly picked up the Colt Buntline Special and fanned the weapon, unloading all shots upon Boss Hawk. The hawkster fell off his high horse, who was high of off mariguana. Plateado equipped the Colt Paterson, with five chambers for five rounds. He foud Sonic walkin drunkardly towards him, stumbling. "Aim for the heart" Sonic told him. Plateado fired all five shots at Sonic, hitting the torso. Yet the blue hedgehog got back up and stumbled towards the metals. It turns out a combination of Chaos Energy and an Egg Industries Lightweight Ballistic Vest prevented him from taking damage. Sonic had Silver hang himself into a noose while standing above a gravemarker. "Sonic please!"

"So long, Plateado Benedicto Arnoldo Jose Benito Jose Ignacio Ramirez! Otherwise known as the Rat!"

"Sonic, please! I can't hold on any longer!"

"If you get out of that noose, you can claim the bounty on Boss Hawk and take your share of the gold, silver, and bronze."

As Sonic rode off into the distance on his horse, Silver could do nothing but stare at the wealth laying below him, tempted by the fruits of his labour. He felt his balance was about to deplete. "Sonic!"

Suddenly, the rope snapped by the shot of a lever action rifle. Sonic was most pleased by the Blue Baller Mk. 2, and went off into the sunset. Still, he had to find the Chaos Emeralds and E.G.G. Mann. "Hey Sonic! You know what you are!" Silver shouted out. "Just a dirty son of-"

"Fox Eyes! Kentucky Kansas! You guys are alive!" Sonic exclaimed loud and proud. Tails grinned and said "Hecks yeah we are! We even claim the bounty upon Sol Blazer. That feline is no longer a problem!" Knuckles lit up a cigar and told them "Luigi has brought his lawmen to go after all of those pesky outlaws. Let's go west and celebrate at Rio de Meido!" They all went to Rio de Meido to celebrate this accomplishment. After hearing news of them going west, Robotnik was also pleased. "With them out of the way, I can finally resume my conquest of the United States and Animexas!" the good doctor said.

"We are kings now! Ah yeah, hail to the kings baby!" Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles said.


	5. Epilogue

The legend of Sonic "Speedball" Hedgehedge comes to a closure, thanks to the coverage of the events from the J.C. the cameraman and tech support. Outlaws and bandits would think twice about messing with townsfolk trying to make a living, and the long arm of the law would be relieved that Sonic has made their job easier. Once a drifter, then a bounty hunter. After all of that, he became one rich hedgehog. Sonic funded an industry in search of the Chaos Emeralds to utilise in putting an end to the Second American Civil War.

Several decades after, a cinema studio would turn these events into a trilogy of films. A blue hedgehog sat in his Jacuzzi hot tub, smoking a cigar and drinking whiskey. "Yeah! This is the life! This is the American Dream!" Sonic said. He was watching something on his television that he purchased with his newfound wealth. It was Sonic's new Spaghetti Western trilogy of animated films called "Sonic of the Old West!" The franchise has became a multimedia one, spawning a TV show about the Second American Civil War, with no copyright intended. Sonic enjoyed his time as a good-willed drifter in the Wild West, which won him Best Western Gunslinger Award from the Golden Globes. Sonic took this to his advantage, showing up at the ceremony so Tails and Knuckles could perform the heist there, robbing Hollywood blind. They were real life gunslingers.


End file.
